Sonny's Sunday: An Introduction

I've decided to round out my seven day a week posts with a 7th person. How will I ever keep this straight you ask?? Well instead of being haphazard about it, each person gets a day. That's why I changed the blog's name. Now only 1/7th of the blog is my love life. It's more a medley because it's the love lives of my close friends too.

Quick back story: I met this friend who I'll call Sonny on this blog back in 1994. We got along pretty good and so I was pleased when he ended up at the next two schools I attended. We haven't always kept in constant touch over the years, but when we did catch up, it was like no time had passed and we were still as close. His advice was probably the one that meant the most to me when I was dealing with breaking up with the Ex. And let me just say, his current woman, who I'll of course call Cher. I know what you're thinking: CeCe is being incredibly creative with these two names. But if you met them, you'd get it. They're not exactly about to go on tour with music, but they do look so cute together, you wouldn't be surprised if they burst into song singing, "I got you babe."

Either way, what makes Sonny and Cher interesting blog material is they provide something none of my friends have so far. They just bought a house. I spent about 5 hours there tonight catching up with them. They are so funny and so sweet. They're settling into co-habitation and all that brings.

For instance, since moving in, they haven't spent much time apart from each other. Most healthy couples need some time apart to miss each other and continue that drive to want to be around each other. Sonny mentioned that they don't have a lot of apart time, but like the loyal boyfriend he is, didn't even mention that it might be an issue.

So, I'm looking forward to seeing their adventures in the coming weeks/months. And to thinly veil what I'm dying to talk about: I'm going shopping with Sonny next week for something he wants to take on the cruise he and Cher are going on at the end of the month. Any guesses for what he's going to buy?

PT May Finally Meet My Family

In an effort to yet further avoid explaining how the Ex is like Berger, I'm going to write about PT. If you watched SATC, you know how much Berger sucked for Carrie. And besides, talking about PT, who is still (for the most part) full of potential will make me happy as I try and avoid thinking about my post on my regular blog.

I've been encourage by some folks who read this blog to stick with making my own rules, especially when it comes to PT. On furthe review, it seems I have been doing that, but could do more. The perfect example of this is that PT hasn't met my family yet. Usually, when I begin dating a guy, the first thing I do is have him meet my family. But I've wanted to keep PT all to myself. If I'm honest, I know part of it is because he's not my parents' perfect idea of the type of guy I should be with. He's older, divorced, has a child, etc. But I think it was more about wanting to get to know him. He's the first guy I've dated in a looooong time who I hadn't known for literally years before we started dating.

So how do I choose to finally let them meet? A nice at home dinner? Nope. A dinner out? Nope. Maybe an event somewhere that still allows for that type of environment? Nope. We're going to a baseball game. My family occasionally goes to baseball games. We're sports people and we like hanging out together. PT occasionally goes to baseball games. He likes sports and he likes going places and doing things. Today my parents were bringing up how they still haven't met PT and are wondering about that at the same time they were bringing up the fact that my dad still hasn't found six people to go to this baseball game he got front row tickets and club passes for. So, when I asked if they wanted me to invite PT, they were like, "oh sure, well, you know, we don't mind. I mean if you want to it's totally fine with us. I mean, yeah, why not?" Real subtle folks.

So I picked up my phone to call him, saw that I had missed a call from him (stupid phone on silent!), called him back and of course got the voice mail. I have a very loving, committed relationship with PT's voicemail. So I sent a text with the info and he was all for it, but not sure that he's free since it is a few weeks away. When I speak to him, I need to stress how expensive the tickets are and how judgemental my parents can be which are both good reasons to not cancel on us if he accepts.

Should be interesting. But there are more reasons why it's interesting, which I will drag out into another blog post tomorrow to yet again avoid discussing the Ex!

How My Love Life Is Like Sex and the City, Part 3

So Bad is my Big, Light is my Aidan. I've explained those two. I still have to explain how PT is the Russian and the Ex is Berger. I think I'll go for PT. I need some more time to think about what to say about the Ex because every time I mention him, I feel I sound far to bitter to be claiming relationship-worthy healthiness.

Carrie met the Russian when she wasn't expecting to meet anyone. SIDE NOTE: In that episode, she was seeing a performance art show that still tours around the US and other countries and Top's roommate went through a harrowing ordeal when asked to travel to Canada to be a part of the show. I'll tell that story one day. SIDE NOTE ENDED. I met PT when I wasn't expecting to meet anyone. In fact, he approached me with quite the same swagger the Russian had. And if you replace Carrie's Charlotte with my Bad (as a friend, not as Big), it was a very similar scenario.

The Russian was an older man who showed Carrie romance and treated her nicer than she'd remembered being treated in a while. While PT and I have a much smaller age difference, our age difference is augmented by the fact that we're in such different places in life. But like Carrie, I don't mind because I'm too busy enjoying PT's company.

There are a few differences. First, unlike Carrie, I wouldn't cancel on my girlfriends to stay with my guy, I'd just end a night out with Bad early. Second, PT is so romantic that I'll faint in the street because of it, he's just a little over the top with the PDA and so far, I think I'm dealing rather well with it so far. Also, the Russian didn't want to have children, he was super old. But even though PT has been married and already has a little girl, he wants to be married again one day and continue to grow his family.

Oh the biggest similarity. The Russian did very important work (he was a famous artist) that consumed a very large portion of his life. Carrie got left out quite a bit and tried her very hardest to be understanding. PT is the same way, except it's education not art. Carrie and the Russian eventually broke up because of it. And seeing as how my life isn't like hers exactly and I don't have a Big coming to rescue me from unhappiness with the Russian, I'd like my story with my "Russian" to turn out better, you know?

I Think I'm A Romantic Pushover

I called PT while I was driving from my grandmother's house back to my parents house. I was headed there to pack up my things to head back to Rockford. After not seeing PT at all the entire time I was in Chicago, I figured I could at least call one last time to tell him I was leaving. And also possibly, "You suck" and "I'm not doing this anymore".

He actually answered the phone, which surprised me. I didn't expect it. He's just always so busy, I was prepared to get a text sometime after I got back to Rockford saying how he was sad he missed me while in town and he'd try and see me next time. But he answers, "Hey baby! How are you! It's so loud in here, can you hear me?" He was at a Cinco de Mayo celebration with his co-workers and had just gotten a replacement phone. The man goes through a lot of cell phones. Occupational hazard of constantly being around a three year old I guess.

So he proceeds to convince me to come see him before I head back to Rockford. I agree because after all, I really do want to see him. On my drive to his house (once he left the celebration), I was going over in my head how I would explain to him that we/us/whatever describes PT and me wasn't working for me and we had to change the current situation in one way or another. But I get to his house and I say nothing except, "how was your day?"

I was upset with my constant need to be this understanding person who never asks more from a person than they can give. I do understand that he's sooo busy, but that doesn't change how much it sucks for me. I figured that after we settled into watching the Spurs-Suns game and caught up on enjoying each other's company then I'd bring it up. I was berating myself for being such a punk.

Then PT suggested we hang out tomorrow. He asked me to stay another day before going back to Rockford. He suggested we go out to dinner. He said he felt like since Christmas we were always rushed when spending time together because there was always something going on or coming up soon that required one of our attention (mostly him). He said he felt bad because he knew it was mostly his fault and I deserved better. He said he appreciated how understanding I've been and noted that most women wouldn't do so and how much it meant to him that I wasn't trying to guilt trip him about things. He said that he knew he was going to stay a busy person but he would do a better job of making the most of the free time he did have.

I sat there just in a daze. It was very much like a movie where the guy says everything you want to hear. I was smiling so big in spite of myself. There was a part of me that still remembered how frustrated I've been the last couple of months weeks. But how could I stay mad in the face of that full blown apology/responsibility acceptance? I know things won't magically be better tomorrow, but this will be the first time we've seen each other two days in a row.

I did notice something else that has me worried. Ever since the ordeal with the Ex, I've been purposely taking things slow emotionally. Not in terms of letting myself like a person, but letting myself have that feeling of intimacy and passion towards a person that just makes you want to be in their space breathing in their scent (I don't know if that makes sense). But when PT hugged and kissed me before I left his house tonight, for the first time I actually tried to let go and just enjoy the feel of being in his arms without overthinking it. I was feeling that feeling of being into someone without self-control holding parts back for about three seconds before I freaked out and pulled back. Apparently the ordeal with the Ex affected me more than I thought. I'm kind of terrified of letting myself have that interaction with someone again, even someone as great as PT. I just hope that's more about my uncertainty of my future with PT than a generalized anxiety and woundedness. Cause having that kind of emotional baggage would really suck.

How My Love Life Is Like Sex and the City, Part 1

So, most of my friends and I refer to the men in my life as various men in Carrie's life from Sex and the City. I'll explain how my life fits (and how it doesn't) in a series of posts. So here are the main players:

Carrie: me (duh, lol)
Big: Bad
Aidan: Light
The Russian: PT
Berger: the Ex

There are also some really close comparisons with some of the smaller, less important men over the years the show has run, but they don't much warrant a mission.

So, let's start with how Bad is my Big. We basically shared a passion for passion. We enjoyed each other's company, but when I decided I wanted more, he couldn't give me what I wanted. Then we decided we should be friends right around the time he got a Natasha. Natasha is one of his exes. He was so serious about this girl. She was his first real grown up relationship.

So now, Bad and I are just friends; he's one of my best friends. But there is a divergence here. He's no longer with Natasha, now he's with Jordan. And when he had his moment of thinking maybe we should have another try, I said no. I'm so glad I did because it preserved our friendship and I truly think he would've picked Jordan anyway in the end, leaving my ass hanging out to dry.

So we have this situation where I'm invested in him as a friend and don't want anything more. He's so in love with Jordan and is invested in me as a friend and doesn't want anything more. So the Carrie-and-Big-ending-up-together thing isn't in my future. We stopped where Carrie and Big were friends and before the cheating started. By the way, I always thought Carrie and Big were such selfish assholes for sneaking around like that. Who cares if you love the people you're hurting?! Quit being greedy and pick one person!

But anyways, in Part 2, I'll explain how Light is my Aidan.

All My Eggs In One Basket, No More!

Since I've decided not to put all my eggs in the PT basket, I need to figure out what else I should be doing. I figure I can multi-task at the job fair tomorrow and see if I can meet and interesting guy while meeting an interesting job offer.

I think it could be fun to do something like speed dating too. But I'm honestly not in a position to meet guys. I get hit on a lot when I'm out, but I mean actually meeting someone worthwhile in a situation where we can appraise each other for real potential. I met PT at a party neither of us was supposed to be at. I met the Ex when I was 11 and we kept popping up in each other's lives til we started dating. Light was in my group of friends and pursued me until I agreed to date him. Adam was a friend-turned-lover. I just don't know how to meet men that aren't accidentally placed there by fate or timing or whatever.

So, I need some suggestions on what I can do. I'm not completely comfortable with internet dating sites. I tried that for like three weeks, but I found myself leaning towards the same prejudice I have when I meet a guy at a dance club. I need a better situation in which to start and acquaintance-ship (I make up words, forgive me).

I really want someone to share my life with. And I don't mean plotting on the next 60 years with someone before I even have a person in mind. I just mean I want someone who's there to try a new restaurant with me or go see a movie or sit on the beach and talk about books we've read. The moments in my life that I have, I'd like to have those moments with someone, you know?

I'm Really Very Worried About The Similarities Between PT And The Ex

They have many things in common: They are both Virgos, they both give me the feeling that I can be completely honest with them, I have amazing physical chemistry with both men, neither of them seems to have a jealous bone in his body, and they both carry on ridiculously busy lives!

They have some wonderful things different as well. PT is not pursuing a rap career. PT is not subconsciously afraid of marriage. PT doesn't seem to want to fit me into a box of how he thinks I should be. PT doesn't make me feel bad about my shortcomings. PT doesn't make fun of things I shouldn't be sensitive about, but kinda am. The Ex was all those things.

But that main one: being sooooo busy, just keeps getting to me. I've mentioned it a couple times, in this blog and my main one. It's just that I'm visiting Chicago this weekend. I, of course, want to spend some time with PT. But he's always so busy with work and weekends are his time with his daughter. He said maybe we could go out Friday, but I don't want to do that because that means he would hold off getting his daughter until Saturday. I figured it would just be easier for me to come in the city on Thursday. But we'll see what happens.

I just hate feeling stressed about this. I hate that he's so busy, but I love what he's doing with his life. And I dread that as time approaches towards me moving back to the city, it'll become painfully aware that not much will change even with me being in the same city.

Apparently I'm PT's "Baby"

Can I just first say that I'm writing my post today in the midst of baking a pie! I love pie and I haven't baked one since winter break. I have time to do things now like bake pies!!

A lot of people are familiar with the pet name Baby. People call their boyfriend/girlfiriend/husband/wife Baby, Babe, Bay, whatever they say, lots of folks use some derivative of it.

I like the moniker, even though I know some who loathe it. But I haven't been anyone's "Baby" since May of 2008. That's a very very long time for someone to be single. But gramted, I spent a lot of time in limbo with the Ex. And then there were the months spent with Gary, who I could never be with because he smokes. But, I've been all by lonesome officially for almost two years now. So, I am a bit out of use with the Babys and Honeys and Sweethearts.

PT called me last night while on his way home from a book signing. Can I just say that I love that he does things like that with his time? But we were talking and he was full of Babys and Cuties and Sweethearts. I felt like perhaps I should throw a few back, but I'm just so uncomfortable with saying those things. They don't feel right in my mouth. I usually reserve them for someone I'm actually with. And seeing as how I'm not actually with PT, it feels even weirder. But I love it when he calls me those names? Hypocritical? Maybe, I hope not though.

I've already bent over backwards to meet him halfway on the things he's asked for. For example, I'm not into PDA, but he is. So when we're out, PDA it is. And he's a cuddler, I'm not. But cuddle we do. He's a card-carrying hand holder, so I am too when I'm around him. I think that's huge (especially since he had probs with that with his ex). So, the pet names can stay at bay now. I do the cuddling and PDA cause he asked about it specifically, he hasn't mentioned pet names. If he ever does, I'm definitely going to direct it to a "so what are we?" conversation. Maybe. Lol.

Why I Can't Walk Away From PT

Everytime I think I'm ready to just give up because things aren't working out the way I'd like them to, PT does something amazing to change my mind. It's never really anything spectacular, it's mostly just him being who I want him to be for that time being. I wrote about him and his role in my friends and family getting news about a big life change I'm about to make in my main blog today. But then I remembered how I was so ready to just give up not too long ago. It's the Libra in me. When things aren't perfect, I have the urge to run. And then there's the stomach turning thought of expressing my discontent. I mean literally, considering it makes my stomach turn.

I almost told PT that I was over our current situation and I needed him to make it better. But I didn't get around to it when we spoke earlier this week because I wanted more to just catch up because it'd been so long since we got to chat. He could tell I had something on my mind, but one or both of our cell phones were breaking up so we just got off the phone. But when I spoke to him again about my upcoming changes, he was everything I needed him to be.

He was concerned for me and how this change was going to affect me. He has got 8 years on me, so he was able to share with me experience that helped me a lot to hear it. He didn't make it about him, he was just there for me. And when I decided I had enough of talking about this, he was ready with an interesting story about his job to tell me.

I was so grateful that he was there for me. I needed someone who didn't know me as well as my family and longtime friends who could offer me an opinion and support. I can't help that the type of person I am needs the support of someone I'm romantically inolved with.

One funny thing was him noting the serious note of the text I sent him asking to call when he got a chance. He first needed to be reassured that I wasn't pregnant. I cna't even imagine something like that. I don't know what I'd do if I were pregnant by someone I hadn't even known for six months. That's a horrifying thought actually. I take many many precautions to ensure I will not be pregnant until I'm good and ready. But it brought up an interesting point (which further lets me know that it's only been six months!) that I just don't know PT that well yet. That's why people date for a while. It takes time and life happenings to get to know each other. I took that opportunity to get to know his thoughts on abortion. I was about to make a joke that if I were pregnant, I wouldn't be in a very short time, but I didn't know his thoughts on abortion. I do know that the Ex took it very seriously and would've been appalled by such a joke.

But as things happen, like Noni's situation with Eric, we talk about it and it helps me get to know him. And the time we spend together also lets me know some things about him. And with most new things I learn, it just makes me more interested in him. Needless to say, I'm glad I've got this blog so PT doesn't have to bear witness to the back and forth in my head. He just gets to see the part of me that's somewhat-normal-acting and nice and funny and (hopefully) sexy and cool.

Some Random Things About PT: 1) He calls Sunny D orange juice like it's real orange juice. I feel some kinda way about that... 2) He loves his Wii as much as I love mine! We spent like ten minutes of conversation discussing our favorite new features of Wii Fit Plus. He's a dork like me! 3) We've both recently gotten into making our own smoothies. He even gave me an idea about using kiwi and yogurt.

Why I'm So Antsy About PT's Busy Schedule

I figure it's about time I explain why I'm so eager to run for the hills every couple of days when I consider how little room there is for me in PT's life. It's because of the Ex. He trampled on me in a way I didn't know I had the capacity to let a man do after what I went through with Adam. A lot of it was about me compromising myself without him even requesting it specifically. He basically talked a lot about wanting stability and someone who was gonna be there for him no matter what. I wanted to be that person for him, but it was so impossible to be that person seeing as how he couldn't bring himself to be the person I needed. I held up my end of the bargain for a full three months while he didn't before I gave up.

My basic problem with the Ex was his lack of balance. I wasn't the only who felt that way. His parents, siblings, cousins, roommates and friends all felt the same way. The only people who weren't being neglected were those who had class with him or were also involved in music. The Ex is a musician, or a rapper to be more specific, or rather an emcee (to him there is a large difference between the two. Whatever). He is actually a musician too, I first met him in the music conservatory I attended from my pre-teens through the middle of high school. We reconnected the summer after I graduated from college. He was everything I'd always wanted in a relationship in the beginning.

1) I wanted a solid foundation of friendship. There was nothing I wouldn't talk to him about, nothing I was afraid to tell him. He felt that way about me too. 2) There was passion. There was just something about being in his personal space, my body was just on fire being around him. 3) There was fun and adventure, we were such different people with just enough in common to always have something interesting arise to experience. 4) We came from similar backgrounds so we tended to see the world the same way about most major life issues. 5) Our futures were headed in similar directions. He was gonna give me my Cosby Show future. I'd be an OB/GYN and he'd be a lawyer. 6) We could just be ourselves with each other, no judgement. Every quirk and bad habit was out there without apology.

Those things just made it the ideal relationship for me. We were doing good even though we lived in different cities. But then something changed. I still don't know what changed, but almost in an instant, I was no longer a priority for him anymore. The other things in his life, specifically school and music took up all he had to give. Everything else suffered. I'm the one who encouraged him to do what he had to do to graduate early, but I didn't expect to get left out in the cold while he did it.

We suddenly had a problem where one of my favorite things about him disappeared. Even though we lived in different cities, we alwas knew what the other was up to. We communicated in some way or another even when we couldn't sit on the phone a talk. But suddenly, two or three days would go past and I wouldn't hear from him at all. That closeness was gone. I felt like I had lost one of my best friends. I would've done a better job of adjusting if it weren't for the fact that he was always making excuses and promises that it would go back to the way it was. It never did.

And then he broke up with me! I told him I didn't know if I could trust him anymore and I had to think about whether I was still able to be with him. When I called him to tell him that I was on my way to Chicago to see him because I had decided he was worth the fight and we would just come up with a new normal. I never got to tell him that because he broke up with me first. I suddenly had all the wind taken out of my sails and I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He asked me if I had a response after I had him explain his train of thought for breaking up with me. I told him I had a lot to say, but I didn't want to share it with him anymore.

I needed a break from him, so I deleted his info from my phone and unfriended him on Facebook, MySpace, AIM, and Yahoo. We didn't speak for months. I finally hit him up on Facebook a few months later. I promised him before we even started dating that if we ever broke up, I'd make an exception to my rule and actually try and be his friend. That led, in about 3 more months time to him calling me up to say he'd made a mistake and he didn't want to close the door on us.

We agreed to see where it would go and got to know each other all over again. Fast forward 9 months later and we were back where we were before. He got, I don't know, complacent or something. We were in this horrific limbo where we couldn't seem to move forward. I told him there would come a point when I wouldn't be okay with just standing there waiting on him to make a move. He had to shit or get off the pot (that vulgar analogy is one of Bad's favorites, lol). The straw that broke my heart back finally came when he came to visit Chicago. By this time he had moved away to Arizona to start law school. He made plans for me for this trip. But for some reason, within a few days of this trip and the entire time he was supposed to have been in Chicago, I didn't hear from him. He didn't show up on Facebook or AIM, and he didn't answer any phone calls. I talked to his sister, she hadn't heard from him either, she wasn't even sure he was in Chicago. I couldn't take it anymore. He know how I felt about travel and not being able to reach a person after they were travelling (a story about Adam for another time), but he never even bothered. I couldn't take it anymore. About a week after he was supposed to be here and still nothing from him, I cut him off completely. I doubt it made much difference because it's not like he was trying to contact me anyway.

I still don't know what happened. But I kept his family. His cousin is one of my good girlfriends. All of his younger siblings still keep in touch with me. I've spent more time with his family in the last two years than he has in the last five years. I am the big sister they've never had. I refused to give up his family just because he was an asshole undeserving of my trust and support. His cousin asked me what happened once. I told her I didn't know, but for my own sense of self-preservation and pride, I was done. I hope she passed that message on. She said she asked him what happened and he gave her the same vague answer (without the comment about self-preservation).

I wish I could care less. For some reason, the memory of him and the potential we had won't go away. And it's not just because I'm still so involved in his family. It's because he got into my system in a way I didn't know was possible, and I can't get him out. At least I have the assurance that he won't show up one day asking for another chance; I likely don't have the ability to turn him down were that to happen. I decided last May that it was time for me to try and move on from him so I could be in the right frame of mind when another man came along who deserved a real shot.

Along comes PT, with a wonderful similarity to all the things I liked most about Adam and th Ex. But this man wasn't all potential. Because of his age, he had proven his potential had turned into success. Even though a part of me still misses Adam and still misses the Ex, but I want to move on with someone who is available to me. It seems to be heading in the direction that PT is not that guy. The last time I spoke to him for more than 10 minutes was over 2 weeks ago. I cannot go through this again. Especially with someone who I don't have a real foundation with. Before we even got a chance to develop a basis of a relationship, PT's life is poo-ing all over it. I still like him and I am still interested, but in the very near future, I'm gonna run out of patience and start the process all over again of trying to be availabe for someone who is worth my time. I'm just so sick of pressing re-set. Why can't men stay who they are when I first meet them? Or at least be truthful about developing a new normal when the situation changes.

More About PT & Why I Am Almost Done

I wrote about PT on my main blog tonight, so here's a link to that.

And everything time I think I've got my mind made up, something happens to change it. That's the problem with being a Libra, nothing is ever certain as long as I'm still living. So, I thought I was done hearing from August. But I finally decided to check my Facebook page and there he was, instant messaging me. I love that Facebook added that feature, it allows me to talk to people I wouldn't otherwise have time (or the convenient means) to talk to very often.

I also was able to catch up with some of the younger sibling of the Ex. He has seven younger siblings (very large family) and when we broke up, I refused to let go of his family. For once, a breakup didn't mean I had to lose a connection with a wonderful family. What can I say? I'm a family person, I like to know where the person I'm dating came from. And I'd like to think of myself as the big sister they never had (or at least won't have until one of the top four gets married). One of these days, I'll tell that story, which ends with the moral I should never date Virgos. PT is confirming that for me right now.

But back to August. He annoyed me so much the past weekend in Chicago that I was ready to throw in the towel. I've never had the desire to give him an honest shot and I just chalk that up to chemistry or whatever. I was ready to move on. But then he instant messages me on Facebook and reminds me why I like him. He's just easy to talk to. And he has this passion for me that is romantic and refreshing and flattering. And most importantly, has no creepy factor to it. We were just catching up and talking, and he was so sweet. We talked for hours. I had forgotten we had that ability to do so. The last time he made a big push for us was when the Ex had come back and we were doing our Toxic Limbo Thing. So I wasn't even in the mindset to hear it. That didn't end well and my memory forgot that he can be really emjoyable company. And it doesn't matter if it's through the internet, over the phone, or in person.

He said some really amazing things to me. He told me I was like the perfect martini mix. That sounds kinda cheesy, but in context is was amazing. It was like that scene in the movie Brown Sugar where Taye Diggs tells Sanaa Lathan that she was the perfect verse over a tight beat (or something like that). It was specific to us (we both love martinis and they are very integral to a great date we had back in 2008)and a metaphor that I understood but still got sweeter when he chose to explain it.

He did things I haven't done in so long. He complimented me. He shared things about himself that were unexpected and refreshing. He discussed current events with me. I'm all about current events, but I tend to shy away from discussing them because I always get disappointed with other peoples' lack of knowledge or opinion about anything and everything going on in the world today.

When August comes along and reminds me that a man exists that does and has all these things I want, it always confuses me. It makes me re-think what I've decided. I feel bad that I've never given him a real chance. I remember how easy it would be to be with someone like him.

But here's the problem. I just don't feel a passion for him. With me, passion doesn't always come on day one. With the Ex, it developed over a while (I couldn't remember this, but luckily I kept a diary during that time to remind of the facts of the situation.). It could be that way with August too. But it seems he'll never get top billing unless he were the last man on earth.

If PT were to call me right now, all would be forgiven and I'd be happy again as if he hadn't spent the last three months borderline neglecting me. August would never do that to me. He was raised to be a good Christian man and he turns 30 this year, so he's doing the biological clock itch thing. He wants to be married and start a life with someone. Someone like me he says. He's not set on me and me alone. He dates other people and tries to start things with them. It's just that nothing has woked out yet. I feel badly for August. It would be so easy for both of us if I would just cooperate. Why can't I make my heart want what I know would be good for it?

Update on Top & Jack: I think they may be truly done. Another Cancer-Libra pairing crashes and burns. A tiny part of me is still holding out hope though...