Tip Top Tuesday: The Ex From Hell

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [In my last post, which was a month ago, talked about her birthday and her annual birthday I'm-a-Cancer reflection on life. I also mentioned some stuff about her ex, specifically how I felt that she was emerging from looking at everything through that lens.] Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

Since that time, some stuff has come to light about her ex. Long story short, he's even worse that we previously believed. Why he felt the need to un-burden himself with revelations to Top I don't understand. I can only assume it's because he's weak and selfish and a Grade A asshole.

Top began to think about all the nice guys she's met in the time since her relationship ended. She has considered how many of them she never even gave a chance to. Whether or not it was directly because of the ex (which I think it was not), the fact remains that she's been turning down nice guys who may actually be nice guys left and right.

This is all while her ex, Grade A Asshole, is walking around pretending he's a genuinely good guy. It's frustrating to think that there are women out there who don't know who he is or how terrible he can be. I wish there was some way, Scarlet Letter style, to mark him and let the world know he was not a catch.

If this were a sitcom, I'd buy a domain from GoDaddy.com and dedicate it to bringing him down. Get him fired, dumped, ostracized by his family. That would be some sweet-tasting revenge. The part of me that feels protective of my friends just wishes he would go poof.

Image via Uncyclopedia

But alas, this is real life. The mature thing to do is keep on moving on with life and leave it up to God/the universe/karma to kick his ass. I will be mature. I will be mature.

I will say this. If he doesn't lose Top's number, I will pretend like I'm on an ABC sitcom and take him down. Prepare the laugh tracks cause it's going to be legen---wait for it--- dary.

Tip Top Tuesday: Another Birthday, Another Reflection

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [In my last post, I talked about a date Top had gone on that actually went well. She doesn't leave a lot of first dates having mostly positive things to say, so I took that as a good sign of potential.] Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

Since that time, I haven't heard anything else about this guy. That doesn't mean there's nothing to tell, it just hasn't come up yet. Top and I spent the better part of July tracking down her birthday present. I bought it from Macy's online and somehow in the shipping it ended up at the Bronx post office. Weird, right?

Well, it doesn't much matter because she finally got her gift. She's my maid of honor, so a lot of our convos have been about the wedding as well.

I will get back to the point of this post though. Her birthday was at the beginning of July. Around her birthday, Top usually reflects on the past year and what life has been like for her.

Something that stood out in her reflection came after her birthday. She realized that the drama with her ex-boyfriend that played out right around her birthday in 2009 didn't even cross her mind. It hung over her head for her birthday in 2010, but it didn't even register in 2011. This is great news.

I feel like Top is not one of those people who will walk around forever affected by the demise of a relationship, but when big things happen in life, it changes you. Having a subtle shift is way better than toting around your own personal rain cloud.

Every important moment like realizing your ex barely crosses your mind only improves who you are as a person. I have always described Top as fiercely independent, and so I look to moments like this as evidence of it. She should teach a class called "Milestones in Emerging From a Long-Term Relationship." Or maybe something more clever than that...

Tip Top Tuesday: Another First Date

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

My last post about Top was last week and I was discussing how she had friends who weren't adjusting well to having adult relationships. Or rather, the rest of their lives weren't adjusting well. It's an important topic for people in their 20s entering their first real adult relationships and you should read it if you haven't yet.

But on to this week, Top has gone on another date. I'm happy to report she met this man at a festival she went to recently. I discussed the type of man we decided would be good for Top in a previous post, but I didn't mention where she would meet a guy.

We were thinking some sort of neighborhood or film festival or maybe an art gallery or something. So I was pleased when she said she met this man at a festival.

They went out to dinner and she said he was nice. The guys she goes on dates with are always nice. She said she was very attracted to him as he was very good-looking. That's a good sign since the last guy she went on a date with wasn't at all her cup of tea.

She said the date was fun and she would consider going out with him. That's the exact sort of vague summary you'll always get from Top when there's a new guy. Non-committal, devoid of details.

I don't know if he's asked her out yet. I won't know until she's either gone out with him again or decided she's definitely not going too.

I'm just glad there is that possibility there. She isn't running for the hills and dodging phone calls from him. This is progress. She spoke of the lack of comfort she has with being open on a date. Trying to get to know someone while also letting them get to know you isn't easy for Top.

But she's trying. And I guess we'll see what happens with Festival Guy.

Tip Top Tuesday: Other People's Men

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

Last week, I talked about some things going in Top's life that didn't concern men. She's got a lot going on with her career and her living situation, and I found it interesting to report. I love talking about the life of a single woman who isn't dating (when her life doesn't revolve around trying to get a date).

Don't think this post is about homewrecking. It's not at all. It's about adjusting to having friendships as an adult. People you were friends with as a child grow and change over time. They enter relationships. Time is the only way to tell if the friendship is able to make the transition to adulthood and co-exist with these relationships.

"He's my rock." It's a phrase that Top hates right now, and for good reason. Every time one of her female friends says this, it's just a matter of time before that "rock" becomes the only thing in the woman's life. I think this is a good topic to cover on a blog about love lives because this happen's so much.

One of Lion's best friends is having the same thing with his girlfriend. He's never called her "his rock", but you never see one without the other. It's as if they are incapable of leading two parallel lives. They are leading one life.

I understand the importance of having a life shared with your partner, but I will never understand that co-dependence of not even being able to make a move without consulting your partner, about anything. It's just too much.

For Top, it's especially bad because she keeps losing friends over this mess. She could use a few more interdependent friends and less co-dependent ones. Friends who know life in an adult relationship isn't about choosing between your significant other and your life-long friends.

And for that matter, why would anyone even want to date someone who is that all-consuming? Don't you want more to you life that having only one person left to talk to?

Tip Top Tuesday: Nothing About Men

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [My last post about Top was three weeks ago. I mentioned this man she went on a date with and how it didn't go well.] Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

Top hasn't been on any dates since then. She tends to attract very persistent men, but unfortunately none have come along to interest her in taking a chance on spending time getting to know someone new.

But I still have hope that it will happen when the time is right.

Since Top is ultimately very single, she makes sure that her life doesn't revolve around the search for a man. Those she can find, but she's more focused on her life goals right now.

She's prepping for defending her thesis before the end of the summer. That's exciting because it means a trip to Chicago.

I believe she is intending to have a version of a housewarming while she's here. She'll be moving into her own place in Harlem or Brooklyn starting in August and she needs some stuff. I know it will be a great party and a lot of people who haven't seen her in a long time will be happy to attend such a party.

Like I said, Top tends to attract some persistent men, so I hope none of those persistent men in Chicago get wind that she'll be coming to town cause they will come out of the woodwork. I've seen it happen, ha ha.

But yes, between getting a new place and defending a thesis, a new man doesn't really have room in Top's life right now. Not unless he took the friend route. But I will keep you updated on all the wonderful single happenings in her life.

Tip Top Tuesday: Updates and Dates

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [My last post about Top was back in the beginning of April. Computer issues prevented more posts til now. The last post was about Top's plans for when she stops her current job. She has fantastic plans to really travel the world and spend some time chilling and really enjoying life. I found it really exciting when I wrote the post and I still feel that way.] Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

Since that time, a couple of things have gone on. I'll cover them briefly, then get on the one update that is actually about Top's love life since that is the point of this blog.

She is still at her job. Part of me hoped she'd be off travelling by now, but that wasn't my realistic part. Fall would probably be better for travel anyway since she doesn't like really hot weather.

Also, she is taking care of the last details of her master's thesis. She has gone through a lot with this. When she went to NYC, she scrapped her first idea and started over. She wasn't especially motivated to pump it out and be done with it, so it's been there, in the background, inching towards completion til now.

And she had a date. The date is by far the least interesting news, but like I said this is a love life blog.

Top met a man (I don't remember where), and he found himself smitten with her and asked her for her number. She gave it to him and when he asked her out on a date, she eventually agreed. Top has never been a fan of dating. The thrill of going out with someone you don't know well just to get to know them while enjoying dinner and/or a show is lost on her.

She'd rather get to know someone organically and see what develops from a friendship/mutual attraction. This guy wore her down (imagine Steve Urkel saying, "I'm wearing you dooown baby, I'm wearing you doooown.") and she went on the date after first cancelling and him trying to reschedule for a while.

She was nonplussed about the date. He kissed her and she didn't enjoy it. He asked her back to his place and she wasn't interested. He was trying to chat her up and she was bored. He found her attractive and she wasn't reciprocating. Sometimes there's just not a spark.

Even though the date was nothing to write home about, I'm glad she went on the date. Feeling a certain way about something or someone can change if you give it a chance. She's taking chances and trying things that she might originally say no to. That's always a good thing, at least for a woman like Top, because she's so careful that even the chances she takes are calculated and thought out pragmatically.

Here's hoping the next date (with some new guy) will fare better.

Tip Top Tuesday: Eat. Pray. Love.

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [The last post I wrote about Top was two weeks ago, I wrote a post in which I tried to look at influences in Top's life that might lead her to hold even more strongly to her anti-relationship feelings. She is single and damn happy to be. It was interesting for me to write, though I have no idea how accurate it was in terms of influence on Top.] Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

This week, I'm not talking about romance, at least not directly. Top is thinking about career and self. With the economy, her job, like everyone else, has been making cuts. She survived the cut and is excelling at work. She's damn good at her job, but Top has never been complacent.


She's looking ahead to what is next. The job she holds now is not one she will hold forever, she's far too ambitious for that. But what will she do next? The title to this post gives a hint. She's not necessarily following the book or movie, but being able to travel and really embrace other cultures, worrying only about herself is exactly what she'd like to do.


I doubt she'll spend three months just praying or whatever happened in the story (can you tell I didn't read the book nor watch the movie?), but she'll be taking tons of pictures and really focusing on enjoying life. Tasting everything a different country might have to offer.


I don't even know about the love part either. I doubt she'll be looking to fall in love in the third place, she's just open to possibilities, and a man coming along would probably interrupt that if anything.


Top doesn't have a specific time in mind for when she will be doing this, but it will be upcoming. I can't wait to hear all about it. I bet it will be just as exciting as what I get when I hear about what she does at work. And I know that while she's doing this, she won't be losing sight of her ultimate career goals. A break for a season will be her fulfilling a life dream, and being fearless sounds like the perfect thing for her to do. And frankly, being single just makes this dream that much easier to fulfill.

Tip Top Tuesday: Why Be Single? It's The Best Option

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***
Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.


Last week, I linked to three posts all with "Single and Happy" in the title. I was glad to have found articles that discussed a woman's desire to be single and that she may actually be happier as a single person and prefer that to being in a relationship.


This week, I don't really have much to add in terms of Top's life and her single-ness. If there's more going on, we just haven't discussed it yet. But I also don't want to troll the internet looking for links to post again. So I will talk about what I think are some of the influences on Top that inform how she views the world and responds to it. She and I haven't discussed this yet, so I'm also interested in hearing what she has to say after she reads what I have to say.


Top's Family
The women in Top's family have an interesting history with men. From multiple husbands, or long marriages that aren't as happy as they could be, Top has a lot of examples of women who end up in situations they would rather not be in. That's not unusual by any means, or at least I don't think so because the same thing applies to women in my family. But I think as the years wear on, people find themselves in less than satisfying situations. I think that seeing this in a lot of the relationships of her family might make Top hesitant about entering a situation that seems doomed destined to turn out that way.


Top's Friends
Most of Top's friends have messy situations when it comes to relationships. One has been pining after the same man for well over a decade with no indication from him since they broke up around college that they ever had a chance of re-kindling their romance. Another is with a man she's settling for, but is embracing the comfort now even though she's sure to regret it later. Another has desires for serious relationships, but he is far too carefree to make a relationship work for a long period of time. Lord only knows how one should describe what types of mess I've gotten into over the years that she's had to help me through. And Top is the sounding board for these friends. How can you watch these people fall into pitfall after pitfall and think you'll be the one lucky person to find someone who won't turn you into a mess?


Top's Relationship History
I don't want to go into too much detail, cause I never sought permission to discuss these matters. But all Top's boyfriends were great until they weren't anymore. And when they weren't great anymore, they weren't just bad, they were horrific and terrible and ghastly. It was bad. She has more than one ex who still calls her regularly because of not being able to move on or some sense of still wanting to be involved or for whatever unhealthy reason. Who would want to add another person inevitably to those ranks?


I don't see Top as a pessimistic person (more realistic, not very optimistic) and I doubt she sees these situations the way I do. But I just think that having all of that around you invariably makes one question whether it's worth it to try and get involved with someone who will turn out to be a mess, or selfish, or a burden over time. If you look at it that way, it's definitely better to be single. Definitely.

Tip Top Tuesday: Being Unapologetically You

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***
Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.


Last week, I told two stories about Top that revolve around her world as a single girl. The first was a story about her mother looking forward to grandchildren, but not a son-in-law. The second was about another step towards closure with her Ex.


I wanted to write that blog post, but I did worry about if it would be too personal. But Top said she read the post, liked the post, and was glad I wrote it. She said she liked that for once, I wasn't sugar coating things. I had a good reason for sugar coating things, but she was right.


Worrying about people who may come across this blog and easily figure out who these people are that I write about could get folks in trouble. I do leave stuff out of the blog when it's requested, but I guess I don't have to work so hard to sugar coat things when it's not requested. I just don't want to cross that line of telling something to the whole world that was told to me as a friend. I already feel like the world's biggest gossip. But turning my friends' love lives into a soap opera-y blog has been fun for me, and fun for some of them as well.


Now, moving on to what I'll discuss about Top for this week. I started by Googling "single and fabulous", since that's how I would describe Top. She's one of my only friends who says she's okay being single, and that doesn't have an implied "but". But, that search didn't yield the type of results I was hoping for. I did find some interesting blogs to read. But I tried again with "single and happy". After sorting through the links that suggested tips on how to be single and happy, I found three posts that simply talk about it as a normal state of being. Top isn't really needing the self-help stuff to teach her how to be single and happy. She's got that part down.


Here are the three links:
Single and Happy: It's the Norm, Not the Exception

Single And Happy: It's The Freemales

Single And Happy


All three articles talk about how it's normal, and even, gasp, a good thing to be single and be happy. It's certainly preferable over settling for someone who isn't the right person and contributing to the high divorce rate. Top would rather be single if she can't be with the kind of man who works with who she is as a person without constantly projecting onto her. I think even if she did find that man, it would take a lot to get her to decide giving up her singlehood was worth it. This man would need to put in a lot of time, convincing her over time, that he was worth it.


There are definitely more articles about this that fit who Top is outside of America. I guess that works seeing as how she intends to move out of the country possibly for her next big move. I don't know when it's going to happen, but Top is the kind of woman who can make something like that happen. I am excited for the possibility that she'll branch out even farther. I'll be living vicariously through her, going where she wants, and doing what she wants. And most of all, making no apologies for putting herself first.

Tip Top Tuesday: More Stories About A Single Girl

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***


This post is about an interesting convo Top and I had last week, but it wasn't going to fit into what was already a long ass post. It was about her future children. Yes, Top wants to be a mother. Not anytime soon mind you. She doesn't even have "the itch". But she does want someday to have a child.
 
 
And she doesn't feel the need to be married to do that. She doesn't think she'll ever be married. Calm down all you traditionalists out there who think women like Top are destroying the fabric of families as they should be. Get over your damn selves! She's not a future statistic or a victim of not thinking things through. She's planning on a life that fits who she is as a person and what she wants. If more people tried that, the divorce rate would be lower. I'm just saying...


Her mother has expressed interest in her future grandchild, but also acceptance that Top may never marry. After you have a mother's approval, what else does one need? Certainly not the approval of some guy who can't even take a hint that he missed his chance at having something real with you.


On another note, she also had an interesting convo with her ex, but again, too much to post last week, so here's what happened there. He called and they talked. He apologized... again... for everything that went down between the two of them. You know you're fucking up when you're still apologizing over a year and a half later.


But their talk did serve a good purpose. It gave Top a better feeling about the whole situation. She spoke her mind without a filter and got some peace from it. He's not doing so well, but who cares about his ass? He screwed up his chance for sympathy a long time ago. I'm just glad Top is on the road to picking up all the pieces of herself. I think of it as breadcrumbs you leave on the ground while in a relationship.  When you go back and pick them up, eventually you find the person you were before the tumult of said relationship. Being able to define yourself without including him is a great thing.

Tip Top Tuesday: Multiple Stories That Would Only Happen To An Independent Single Girl

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [My last post about Top was back at the beginning of February. I discussed how men from her past just won't stay away. The latest was a resurgence of CG He was making all the rookie mistakes when wooing a woman who's just not that into you. But he had changed his tactics and was giving it another shot. Top was trying to figure out how to get him to be done with her once and for all, without being a complete jackass about it. That is easier said than done. In today's post, I'll follow up on that, but first I have other stories to tell.] Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

So I mentioned in Friday's post about Michelle how Bad's friend Mellow had an encounter with Top before Michelle. I figured I'd tell that story here now. Top and I had planned out a pretty good evening. It made us feel like we were being adults. I think we were circling 24. Maybe she was already and I wasn't yet.


Bad decided to join us and he brings his close friend who I always had fun with named Mellow. Bad is almost exactly my age, but Mellow had just made 21, so he didn't quite fit Top's idea of what being grown-up looked like. But the four of us were out there nonetheless. Good food, good live music, seats at the bar, two attractive men joining us to keep us company. And then the flirting began.


For a while I thought it might go somewhere, but it didn't. There was just flirting. A few times, Mellow closed in on Top's personal space and she shut that down. But we still kept a festive mood and we all had a great time that night. At the end of the night, there was no exchange of phone numbers, definitely no incriminating photos, and no super sexy dances. But Top did mention that she thought he would be pretty desirable if he weren't so obviously a fresh 21.


Moving on to the next story, another guy from the past popped up while I was in St. Louis. This dude has it bad for Top. I think of him as waste-of-potential-guy, so his name will be Wop Guy. Looks, background, personality, but somehow it doesn't add up to a date-able guy. At least not when it comes to Top. But he calls her not too long ago to tell her that he's in love with her. They've never been a couple or had any involvement that lasted more than a few months here and there over the years. To Top, that means he couldn't possibly be in love and is projecting onto her.


How did that turn out? Well, we spent a while on the phone trying to figure out the best way to let him know they weren't ever going to be involved ever again. Before she could do that, he pleaded his case, accused her of being unfair, and threw a pretty classic tantrum. But then Top let him know that she wasn't interested and wasn't going to be interested.


How did he take it? He offered his willingness to relocate and wanted to come visit NYC to show her how things could be before she gives up. They went back and forth until Top just gave up and got off the phone. So Wop Guy will be back. Even though Top has decided they will no longer be friends, he will be back. Back to bring laughter into my life. Hopefully not for at least a few months. But who knows. "Love" makes you do crazy things.

And moving on to the update of the last post. The CG (college guy) man was plotting on her uterus and advising her about adoption, birth control pills, and other things one shouldn't discuss with a women he isn't even dating. He also needed to be told that Top wasn't interested. She just attracts the most persistent guys. It's kind of funny. Well, it's very funny. If only these guys knew how embarrassed they should be for their behavior, I'm sure they would act differently.


This CG man is out. Top hasn't spoken to him. I guess he crossed a line criticizing her life choices while spouting bullshit about his open-mindedness towards her free-spirit nature. That means whenever he calls again, they will have "the talk". Hopefully CG is a better listener than Wop Guy. Because I don't want Top to have to deal with this Rolodex of men who can't take a hint. Even when you're saying, "I'm Not Interested In Dating You".


Other things happened, but this post is getting super long, so I'll just write about it next week. It's like a soap opera cliffhanger. Well, not really.

Michelle's T.G.I.Fridays: A Story From Recent History

***Michelle is a girl that grew up next door to me and we attended the same church. Now she's in her early 20s and living the single life. She goes on these dates that are either lovely or horrific. She's slightly terrified at the thought of committing to someone any time soon. And of course, she has the occasional man who really catches her eye and her heart.***

Quick Recap [The last post I wrote about Michelle was back close to the New Year. I was giving an update on Terrence. At that point, he had just disappeared into thin air for a couple of days. It was to sort things out with that crazy chick without Michelle clouding his mind. It was a fucked up thing for him to do and it really hurt Michelle. I'll explain (not this week) what happened next with that. It ain't pretty.] Read T.G.I.Fridays posts.

But for this week, I will talk about something more fun. Random flirting beats depressing involvement with an ex any day!

I forgot I never did tell the story about Michelle picking up one of Bad's friends the night we all went out for New Year's Eve.

I've already explained in various posts here and on my main blog how amazing New Year's was for Michelle and I.

Instead of spending the night watching The Blind Side drinking our respective hot cocoa or egg nog, we were out having tapas and dancing the night away.

But Michelle had even more fun than I did. While I was e-mailing Easy, thinking how much I wish I had a spare $600 to hop a plane to Spain, she was making a new friend.

This friend is one of Bad's best friends who's been around for years. We'll call him Mellow.

A lot of the time I've spent around him is from an era before Bad and Jordan were committed and exclusive, so I didn't really bring around a whole bunch of my friends, since it was just "friends of Bad" hanging out.

But there are moments when it's just Bad, Mellow, and I. I didn't want that because for a long time, Mellow and I weren't... close. When we're at Bad's house, whatever.

But when out on the town, gotta have backup. So one night, Top comes out with the three of us. Or rather, Bad brings Mellow to a night out that Top and I already had planned.

The point is, the four of us end up there together. There was an interesting dynamic. Something off to the left of a double date. I'll explain that in a post about Top so I can get back to Michelle.

The point is on NYE, I saw that same vibe between Michelle and Mellow, except it was just the two of them.

There was his cousin and me, who were both behaving like single chicks trying to stay that was for the night.

Bad and Jordan were doing the couple thing. And there were the two of them.

I'm not even sure who started flirting first, but suddenly, they were posing for pictures with their faces pressed all close together. It looked a lot like Michelle with Lion's cousin during our birthday weekend actually. I don't know if I've told that story or not.

But back to Mellow. They were dancing and flirting the night away. They seemed genuinely attracted to each other, but I'm not sure what the purpose was of all the interaction when he was just headed back to Florida in a couple days and neither one had the resources (and one of them didn't have the will) to have a one night stand.

But it became clearer. After we were all headed home, Bad texts me to say Mellow wants Michelle's number. I ask if I can give her his too. I ask her if it's cool, then we make the numbers exchange. Then I head to bed because I do not care for a while what happened next.

It turns out they texted back and forth, flirted some more, made plans to see each other before he left town, then both flaked.Sounds like they both wanted someone to flirt in the New Year with.

Michelle knows that since we've become closer, that closeness includes time with Bad and Jordan (who she loves), but who are in a solid happy relationship (which she lives with). Having a built in-flirty-boo-type is probably a good idea for her.

Mellow is probably just happy I brought a friend around who was closer to his age so there's a chance she won't treat him like a cute puppy while he's putting on the moves.

If you look at my recap from the last post, Terrence is still in the picture. There are updates with him, but I just wanted to talk about something fun this week. This shit with him is pretty depressing. I'll talk about it next Friday.

Tip Top Tuesday: The Men From The Past Refuse To Stay There

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [My last post about Top was back in early January. I was talking about how eventually every guy screws up and declares he wants something Top doesn't want. Something she always and consistently says she doesn't want from the outset of any involvement. They want a relationship. She doesn't. She had vague plans of being in the right situation to meet a man who could actually give her what she wanted.]Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

Since that time, she hasn't yet met this man. How could she? With the weather New York has been having, I'm considering it a feat for anyone to even leave their house, let alone meet a potential man.

But in spite of the weather, something interesting has happened recently. A guy from long-distance (i.e, not affected by NYC weather) has resurfaced with designs on Top.

Who is the guys I'm talking about? I've called him CG (short for college guy) in this blog before. You can read about his brief time in Top's life here.

This is a guy who Top describes as a true Southern-type guy. He's pretty traditional. He wants to be married. By age 30. And he just turned 28.

Anyone who knows Top knows that is a recipe for disaster. There will be nothing he can do that will make her feel at ease. She will always think he's plotting on her.

Right now, she feels like he's just changing his tactics to try and appeal to what he thinks she wants.

He's trying to figure out how they can spend time together. He has suggested coming to NYC, her visiting him in NC, or even them meeting up in Baltimore for a concert.

Now she's trying to figure out how to let him know she's just not that into him.

She's also confused as to how he came to the conclusion that they weren't done and still had potential left to pursue.

If you read the old CG posts, you know their last interaction was back in September. But yet, here he is again.

I guess we'll see what happens between now and next week.

Tip Top Tuesday: A Plan For A Man Who Isn't Like The Others

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Last week, I was talking about Dan, who had made the fatal mistake that every guy Top dates (or never actually dates) eventually makes.

They decide they want this big grand relationship. Out of nowhere usually.

This comes after Top has expressed from the beginning that she's just not interested in anything super serious.

She has recently come up with a plan to avoid this craziness.

She's now looking for an older man.

She's already said she'd be interested in dating an older man because they would hopefully have lived long enough to avoid some of the constant mistakes men in their 20s make.

She's hoping with more experience behind him, a man age 35-45 will have learned to let people be themselves without projecting what you think onto them.

She described this guy for me. He sounds pretty great.

I need a more experienced guy. We can have like a mentorship/friendship/romantic thing. Nothing too serious. No marriage. He has his own space, I have mine.

He's educated, successful, talented, gives back, cultured, enjoys travel, and trying new things.

Hopefully his experience would have taught him a level of acceptance of people and to suspend the "fantasy fairytale" of who people should be and how they should live.
The last part is something I keep running into, so that's a must. He'll be older, so he can teach me some things about work and life.

My guy can even be divorced;  I can work with that.

So where will she find such a guy since she doesn't already know one like that?

Bad suggested she go to the Tribeca Film Festival in the spring in NYC. He said she's bound to meet a guy like that there.

I told her to go to a squash court at a gym. I honestly couldn't think of anything better.

This is new for Top. It's not like she's suddenly pursuing a man after 26 years of never really doing it.

It's just that she's considering placing herself specifically where she thinks she can find the type of man she wants.

This should be interesting to watch and see what happens.

Tip Top Tuesday: When Will The Men Learn?

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [The last post I wrote about Top was a couple weeks ago. There was talk about Dan and talk about her work life. Nothing else worth mentioning was really going on in her love life] Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

In the last couple of weeks, something interesting happened with Dan.

I'm not really sure how to explain it, but let's just say some people can't handle their alcohol.

They were out for drinks one night and he started expressing himself.

If you remember, Dan has a lot going on in his life right now, and he is not in a position to pursue her.

She's also not a position to be pursued. The last few months of blog posts, should tell you that. Top doesn't want or need a relationship with anyone right now.

So how do most men respond to this lack of desire for a relationship? Why, they get liquored up and declare they'd like a relationship with Top!

It never fails. Eventually, they all get to this point. I'm not sure what makes these guys think that liquid courage will make everything alright.

They think this in spite of the fact that they would have kept those thoughts to themselves while sober.

So Top let him know that he was asking for something that wasn't ever going to happen.

I think he got the picture. Since that happened, he hasn't been saying anything else about wanting to be with Top.

Tip Top Tuesday: Poetry And Work, Oh And Men Too

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [The last post I wrote about Top talked about how the reason Dan has become an important part of her world is because he wasn't easily dismissible because of circumstances. I also introduced a new guy I called No Name Date Guy. He seemed to be providing a bit of spontaneous fun for Top.] Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

Dan still holds his place of importance. He and Top are still good friends. From the outside looking in, it seems as if he's been very instrumental in getting her to feel safe about opening her heart again.

She's writing poetry again. Other than the other poetry she wrote last month, it had been years since I heard her say she wrote a poem.

She was feeling inspired and Dan had a lot to do with that. But this poetry writing has shown me that there's still this wall up.

Top has no intention of ever letting Dan see the poems. I think this is a wise decision because it might be the catalyst to push things farther than they need to go.

But that means there is still this limit of how close they can get.

I don't have anything new to report about No Name Date Guy. Maybe he's gone, maybe he's not. He really was just a blip on the radar.

I'm thinking he was only mentioned because the story connected to picking out clothes. I do love clothes.

But on to other interesting things. I've said that Top is a girl who focuses on her career a lot. And she has really made some strides.

Her job has evolved to where she's now in charge of coordinating events for the next calendar year. I try not to talk too much about work here, but it's just really exciting.

She's reached out to some pretty big name music artists to help promote events. Her job is non-profit, so they do a lot of fundraising.

Being able to raise that money makes such a difference in the lives of the community they serve. I wish they knew who was solely responsible for the boost they will get in revenue next year.

I'm feeling really hopeful that things will work out and a couple of the people she's reached out to will be able to accommodate her request.

A tip for people who are single and like it that way: be like Top and have other things going on in your life. Other important things that really matter in the world around you. That way your life can still be complete.

Tip Top Tuesday: More About Dan... And A Mechanical Bull

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [The last post I wrote about Top was last month. I finally gave the guy who I'd been referencing a name and it was Dan. I didn't want to give him a name because he's not really in a position to ever end up in a relationship with Top. But he is kind of important in her romantic journey, so he gets a name. He's certainly more important than all the other guys I've mentioned in her life] Read Tip Top Tuesday posts.

This Dan guy is important. And what's better is that he's safe. By being unavailable, there is no chance she can get her heartbroken. They could never ever be together.

And also, she wasn't able to ignore him like she could most guys. Once the guys try and get to close, Top would just be done with them.

But Dan isn't some friend of a friend. Top sees him quite often, so she couldn't just pretend he didn't exist. And that fostered a friendship that had nothing to do with an attraction or desire.

Oh, and Dan isn't really her type physically. He's not the type of guy she'd normally be drawn to. She sees that as a good thing because if something hasn't worked before, why keep repeating that behavior?

But there is another guy I want to mention. This other guy does not get a name. He's just some guy she's been dating. By dating, I mean going on dates with.

This guy is there for fun purposes only it seems. But I'm amused by him and I wanted to mention him only to tell a funny story.

Top has work things in the evening occasionally. It's either for her job or for networking or whatever. But this guy she's dating is super spontaneous.

He'll just call or pop up and suggest they hang out. Top is pretty spontaneous, so she'll just go with is usually.

But one evening, she had a work thing to get ready for and No Name Date Guy pops up wanting to hang out. She figures she has time to spend with him and still get ready so she says yes.

Then suddenly it's time to get ready for the work thing. Top tells No Name Date Guy his time is up and suddenly she has less than an hour to get ready and on her way.

The work thing she was going to had an odd theme. She could either wear Western clothes or cocktail clothes. She and I were on the phone for like 35 minutes trying to sort it out.

Normally, Top would have that sorted much sooner and been on her way. This No Name Date Guy is a bit of a distraction, but in a fun way.

I know what you're thinking, did she go cocktail or Western? Even though the lure of riding a mechanical bull was strong, Top ended up going cocktail.

Tip Top Tuesday: He Wants What He Can't Have

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Quick Recap [The last post I wrote about Top was earlier this month. It's not that things haven't happened since then, I just didn't have the story yet to share. In the last post, I was talking about her becoming fearless in love like she is in a lot of other aspects of her life. I spoke of looking forward to that time. In an even earlier post, I mentioned a man who isn't available to even like Top. I thought I wouldn't hear much more about him.] Read all the Tip Top Tuesday posts.

I was so wrong about that guy. I guess he needs a blog name now. I'll call him Dan. Just to be clear, Dan is the man who I said wasn't allowed to like Top. He's also the one who wrote her a poem. He's written more since then. He's had a very useful purpose. He's given her someone to like who isn't even available to be with, so he provides a bit of safety for her emotions. Top saw this as pretty essential.

But things have changed sine he was the safe guy to like. He's still the most relevant guy she's dealt with since things ended with her ex. But he's gone a bit further. He wants to be with her. I'm not even sure how that would work since the reason he's not available is that he has someone else. But nevertheless, it's what he wants. Top is no home wrecker though, so he's not going to walk away from a current situation and then be with her the next day.

The analogy we came up with is that men tend to see her as Toys R Us when she's more of a Chuck E. Cheese. You can play with the games, but all you take home from Chuck E. Cheese are those crappy prizes that aren't worth the money you spent. These men, Dan included, see her as Toys R Us, where you get to take home every toy you opened and played with in the store. If you decide, you can have it all.

But Dan does strike Top as different. In his own way, he's a very worthwhile man for her to have a friendship with. He makes her laugh, and he's actually getting to know her. I don't know how many men those of you who read this blog know, but it's not a common thing. It's not even a man thing; it's a people thing. People tend to want someone they like to fit into their box of expectations. Finding a person who wants to get to know who you are for you without those expectations is very rare.

So for now, Top is enjoying his attention and enjoying the feeling you get from having someone (who is worthwhile) genuinely interested in you. She's enjoying feeling comfortable with him because they're friends.

Tip Top Tuesday: Being Fearless Is The Goal

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Top is a person that I would describe as fearless. Her mother would also describe her that way. I think a lot of people would describe her that way, but everyone doesn't know her nearly as well as we do, so our opinion counts more.

The one thing she isn't completely fearless in is love. She used to be. I think it could be said that she wasn't fearless because she wasn't dying to marry the man she had been dating and in love with for five years. But those people would be wrong. Top has always been self-aware and she doesn't feel the same way most women traditionally feel about marriage. Being honest with herself about how she feels about marriage takes bravery I think. It's too easy to succumb to what others think is best for you.

Since she and this man broke up, things have been different. She's been having very few emotions when it comes to men. It was as if she had changed from who she used to be and she knew she wasn't ever going to be that person again. But Top is no victim. My vision of her is not that she's broken somehow and needs to be put back together. I agree with her mother's assessment. She'll be an even better version of herself once she's completely fearless.

She's been through a lot and she's bouncing back soon to be better than ever. I'm looking forward to the fearless-in-love Top that will match the fearless-in-everything-else Top. And I don't think she's that far away.

Tip Top Tuesday: Building A Man

***My girl Top is unique and one-of-a-kind. This makes the story of her love life especially interesting. Just when you think you've got her figured, she makes an unexpected move. She's my career-minded friend who's always focused on self-improvement. She's also super-independent yet a closet nurturer. Read and learn how to be fabulous.***

Last week, I was talking about Top making up for lost time by focusing on all the men trying to pay her attention now. She's still doing that and I'm happy for her because it's something that we single women do. We notice men noticing us, take the compliment and confidence boost, and move on with our day until someone notices us who's worth noticing back.

Top and I were talking about this article she was reading online in Marie Claire. It categorizes single women. We agreed about what category I was, but not which one she was. By the way, I'm going to write a post on my main blog about my categorization. I thought she was a phoenix because I think she's still bouncing back from her break-up with her ex last year. She feels like she's bounced back and is more of the free-spirited or the trailblazer. I think those two could also work as descriptions for her.

This led to a discussion of what kinds of men we'd pick for each other. She asked me to build her a man, lol. I honestly had never thought about it for her before, but I did when she asked and she actually liked the guy I built for her. So I'm going to share him here. I've never met a guy like this though.

*Tall, dark-skinned, great smile

*Great relationship with his mother and with God

*He'd be an animal person, and interested in something green, like the environment or something like that.

*He's be into his career, but he wouldn't have the type of job that makes you work 70 hours a week

*He's be athletic, and a reader

*He'd be traditional, but open-minded
 
*I think I'd want him to be a guys guy, you know? Like loving cars, tools, and working with his hands and stuff, lol
 
*Definitely a thinker, but not so full of his own-self worth and some 'thinkers' tend to be

*And he'd be fearless.

I think I described a pretty great guy and I was glad to hear she'd date him, if only we could find him, lol.