Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Why I'm So Antsy About PT's Busy Schedule

I figure it's about time I explain why I'm so eager to run for the hills every couple of days when I consider how little room there is for me in PT's life. It's because of the Ex. He trampled on me in a way I didn't know I had the capacity to let a man do after what I went through with Adam. A lot of it was about me compromising myself without him even requesting it specifically. He basically talked a lot about wanting stability and someone who was gonna be there for him no matter what. I wanted to be that person for him, but it was so impossible to be that person seeing as how he couldn't bring himself to be the person I needed. I held up my end of the bargain for a full three months while he didn't before I gave up.

My basic problem with the Ex was his lack of balance. I wasn't the only who felt that way. His parents, siblings, cousins, roommates and friends all felt the same way. The only people who weren't being neglected were those who had class with him or were also involved in music. The Ex is a musician, or a rapper to be more specific, or rather an emcee (to him there is a large difference between the two. Whatever). He is actually a musician too, I first met him in the music conservatory I attended from my pre-teens through the middle of high school. We reconnected the summer after I graduated from college. He was everything I'd always wanted in a relationship in the beginning.

1) I wanted a solid foundation of friendship. There was nothing I wouldn't talk to him about, nothing I was afraid to tell him. He felt that way about me too. 2) There was passion. There was just something about being in his personal space, my body was just on fire being around him. 3) There was fun and adventure, we were such different people with just enough in common to always have something interesting arise to experience. 4) We came from similar backgrounds so we tended to see the world the same way about most major life issues. 5) Our futures were headed in similar directions. He was gonna give me my Cosby Show future. I'd be an OB/GYN and he'd be a lawyer. 6) We could just be ourselves with each other, no judgement. Every quirk and bad habit was out there without apology.

Those things just made it the ideal relationship for me. We were doing good even though we lived in different cities. But then something changed. I still don't know what changed, but almost in an instant, I was no longer a priority for him anymore. The other things in his life, specifically school and music took up all he had to give. Everything else suffered. I'm the one who encouraged him to do what he had to do to graduate early, but I didn't expect to get left out in the cold while he did it.

We suddenly had a problem where one of my favorite things about him disappeared. Even though we lived in different cities, we alwas knew what the other was up to. We communicated in some way or another even when we couldn't sit on the phone a talk. But suddenly, two or three days would go past and I wouldn't hear from him at all. That closeness was gone. I felt like I had lost one of my best friends. I would've done a better job of adjusting if it weren't for the fact that he was always making excuses and promises that it would go back to the way it was. It never did.

And then he broke up with me! I told him I didn't know if I could trust him anymore and I had to think about whether I was still able to be with him. When I called him to tell him that I was on my way to Chicago to see him because I had decided he was worth the fight and we would just come up with a new normal. I never got to tell him that because he broke up with me first. I suddenly had all the wind taken out of my sails and I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He asked me if I had a response after I had him explain his train of thought for breaking up with me. I told him I had a lot to say, but I didn't want to share it with him anymore.

I needed a break from him, so I deleted his info from my phone and unfriended him on Facebook, MySpace, AIM, and Yahoo. We didn't speak for months. I finally hit him up on Facebook a few months later. I promised him before we even started dating that if we ever broke up, I'd make an exception to my rule and actually try and be his friend. That led, in about 3 more months time to him calling me up to say he'd made a mistake and he didn't want to close the door on us.

We agreed to see where it would go and got to know each other all over again. Fast forward 9 months later and we were back where we were before. He got, I don't know, complacent or something. We were in this horrific limbo where we couldn't seem to move forward. I told him there would come a point when I wouldn't be okay with just standing there waiting on him to make a move. He had to shit or get off the pot (that vulgar analogy is one of Bad's favorites, lol). The straw that broke my heart back finally came when he came to visit Chicago. By this time he had moved away to Arizona to start law school. He made plans for me for this trip. But for some reason, within a few days of this trip and the entire time he was supposed to have been in Chicago, I didn't hear from him. He didn't show up on Facebook or AIM, and he didn't answer any phone calls. I talked to his sister, she hadn't heard from him either, she wasn't even sure he was in Chicago. I couldn't take it anymore. He know how I felt about travel and not being able to reach a person after they were travelling (a story about Adam for another time), but he never even bothered. I couldn't take it anymore. About a week after he was supposed to be here and still nothing from him, I cut him off completely. I doubt it made much difference because it's not like he was trying to contact me anyway.

I still don't know what happened. But I kept his family. His cousin is one of my good girlfriends. All of his younger siblings still keep in touch with me. I've spent more time with his family in the last two years than he has in the last five years. I am the big sister they've never had. I refused to give up his family just because he was an asshole undeserving of my trust and support. His cousin asked me what happened once. I told her I didn't know, but for my own sense of self-preservation and pride, I was done. I hope she passed that message on. She said she asked him what happened and he gave her the same vague answer (without the comment about self-preservation).

I wish I could care less. For some reason, the memory of him and the potential we had won't go away. And it's not just because I'm still so involved in his family. It's because he got into my system in a way I didn't know was possible, and I can't get him out. At least I have the assurance that he won't show up one day asking for another chance; I likely don't have the ability to turn him down were that to happen. I decided last May that it was time for me to try and move on from him so I could be in the right frame of mind when another man came along who deserved a real shot.

Along comes PT, with a wonderful similarity to all the things I liked most about Adam and th Ex. But this man wasn't all potential. Because of his age, he had proven his potential had turned into success. Even though a part of me still misses Adam and still misses the Ex, but I want to move on with someone who is available to me. It seems to be heading in the direction that PT is not that guy. The last time I spoke to him for more than 10 minutes was over 2 weeks ago. I cannot go through this again. Especially with someone who I don't have a real foundation with. Before we even got a chance to develop a basis of a relationship, PT's life is poo-ing all over it. I still like him and I am still interested, but in the very near future, I'm gonna run out of patience and start the process all over again of trying to be availabe for someone who is worth my time. I'm just so sick of pressing re-set. Why can't men stay who they are when I first meet them? Or at least be truthful about developing a new normal when the situation changes.

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