Noni's Stargazing Saturday: Settling Into Family Life

***Noni is one of my really good friends from college. She's starting a family with a baby boy and working on herself and her relationships at the same time. Things won't always be easy, but they're usually always interesting.***

Quick Recap[When I last wrote about Noni, she had just had her baby boy a few week prior. It was a long pregnancy, but finally it came to an end. She was enjoying being a new mom, fighting the urge to spoil her baby. In terms of romance, she was losing her mind. She felt like the six week mark would never be reached *dramatic face*. Her and her fiance, Eric, were definitely looking forward to the return of something that was a normal part of their relationship.] Read Noni's Posts.

By now, the six week mark has come and gone. Noni and Eric are much happier people now. Wouldn't you be?

Noni is adjusting to life with a schedule. She naps with the baby sometimes, uses the other nap times to clean the house and to cook dinner when it gets close to the time for Eric to get home from work. I could be wrong, but I think this schedule will eventually drive her bonkers. I think this can be attributed mostly to the fact that she doesn't get a lot of variety or outdoors in the schedule. But as her son gets older, I'm sure this schedule can be altered occasionally.

Noni is a friend I speak to a lot about my guy situation. She's a good one to talk to because she never tries to fix the problem. She just lets me talk things out for myself. She's a great listener (actually all my friends are great listeners, it's her responses that make her a great candidate for discussing uncertainty about men with). While I was discussing the whole PT/Easy situation with her, she made a comment that she missed being single. Even though we were talking about my unhappiness in my current situation, that led to her missing having the easy option of walking away if things weren't working out.

She could walk away from Eric if things didn't go well (by the way, things are going well between them), but it's a trickier situation to break off an engagement and even more complicated when you share a child. I asked her why she missed being single. She said she didn't have the option to be selfish. I laughed because she's the opposite of selfish. I reminded her that she couldn't really be selfish if she tried. Even if she was single, she'd just behave unselfishly toward whatever guy she was dating/talking to/sleeping with. She had a good laugh at that and then said, so maybe she didn't have a good reason, but just missed the lack of complication because relationships are complicated. That I could agree with. I don't think I've ever had a relationship (years ago though they were) that wasn't painfully complicated in one way or another.

I'm glad that Noni chose to express her feelings of missing being single to me instead of sharing them with Eric. I imagine he wouldn't have reacted the same way I did. I shall remember this lesson to not feel the need to share every thought with your significant other. Find some other way to vent.

In my next post about Noni, I'll probably discuss why she's been engaged for over a year with no exact wedding date in sight. It's a crazy story.

Big Bad Thursday: Jordan Is Now A Chicago Resident!

***Big Bad Thursday is all about Bad. He's one of my best friends and is a charming, if commitment-phobic bachelor. Then, he finally that a wonderful woman he already had in his life was worth giving up complete and total bachelor-hood. So now Bad and Jordan are in love and working towards building a life together. They live in a wonderful apartment in Chicago and they are quite a fabulous couple.***

Quick Recap [The last time I wrote about Bad, it was to talk about Jordan's interview for grad school in Chicago. She had also given her notice at work for her jobs in St. Louis. Bad was getting used to the reality that Jordan was truly about to be his girlfriend and roommate. This was a particularly big deal for them because Bad and Jordan haven't lived in the same city in at least five years. But as the reality set in, he was getting more excited, which is the best reaction ever!] Read Bad's posts.

So, Jordan moved to Chicago last Saturday. I knew there would immediately be a big change in the amount of time I spend with Bad in person and on the phone. They were, of course, in a honeymoon phase because they had all this time together that wasn't about to end just because the weekend ended. But I did manage to catch up with him. We talked a bit about how I feel like trading PT in for Easy, but how it's really not that simple. And we talked about how it's been since Jordan has been there. Even though it's not even been a week yet, he's already clearly even happier.

He spoke of how he went to work on Monday and when he got home from work, dinner was ready. For any self-proclaimed feminists who never learned to cook and cringe at the idea of taking care of a man, this paragraph is not for you. But for the hopeless romantics, traditionalists, or foodies, you can imagine what a lovely addition this will be to his life. Everyday won't be like this, especially once she moves from orientation to classwork, but he's loving that she's there to take care of him now. Five days in, he seems happier than ever. That really makes me love Jordan because Bad deserves to be happy in a relationship (and avoid all that karma he should have coming) and since she's responsible for that happiness, that makes her automatically awesome.

Focus on Me Friday: Occupying My Time Is Working

I've been going out of my way to occupy my time so the fact that PT is so busy will not piss me off so constantly. It's been working. While I've been aware of how busy he is all the damn time, it's been less of an issue because I have things to do with my time other than hang out with my family.

What I need to focus on is the type of man I attract. I wish I could put a sign on my forehead that let men know if they were fresh out a of relationship, they shouldn't approach me. I wish I could put up a billboard to let men know that!

Top thinks that I am in transition, that's why I keep attracting men in transition. I don't know what transition I'm in that's been lasting since 2004, but if I could figure that out, maybe I could stop attracting these awful men. They're not awful, their situation is.

With each man I meet, I end up wanting something different. I don't have a cookie cutter vision of what I want with plans to squeeze whatever man into that plan. It changes with each guy to fit how I see him and I together. But I'm so sick of these men with limitations. I might as well not even bother to figure out what I want because they come in with these newly-single dude-limitations. Doesn't always mean the same thing with each guy, but it means inevitable, they're gonna piss me off with their unsettled issues with their exes. It's a trend I'd love to stop repeating.

Screening Questions for New Men
1.  How long ago was your last relationship? (anything under 18 months is too soon)
2. How religious are you? (any synonyms of "very" won't work)
3. Are you dating anyone else right now? (answers like, "are dating and sleeping with the same thing?" will confound me)
4.  How is your relationship with your mother/sister? (anything short of "great" won't work. I don't do momma issues)

My plan for PT right now is to see if things improve with him, but also to keep my eyes open for someone better. Maybe after a quick screening, I can avoid some recent mistakes.

Focus On My Friday: I've Been Occupying My Damn Time

***If ever one wonders why I feel like my life could be a movie (or better yet a sitcom), it's because stuff keeps happening that seems like it could be written for storyline purposes.***

Today's post title comes from a movie that I love. It's called Two Can Play That Game. It stars Vivica Fox and Morris Chestnut. The two of them are dating and Morris Chestnut messes up. She instills this plan (which only a crazy woman would actually try and do) to make him behave. Part of it includes "occupy your damn time." She does this while ignoring him so she doesn't get weak and go back to him before time.

 
That may sounds complicated (and crazy), but there is a point of it I actually like. I've expressed frustration with PT about how busy he is. But, I still like him and I'm still hoping things will get better eventually. But it's just not in me to sit idly by hoping some man will make time for me. So, I've been occupying my damn time.
 
A guy I used to date is back in the picture. I know things won't go anywhere (just like they didn't last time), but I enjoy his company. And he fills the requirement of occupying my damn time. And I met a guy at a wedding last weekend who I've hit it off with. He's a Cancer and I'm a Libra, so we're definitely headed for an epic crash and burn at some point in the near future. But for right now, I'm having fun spending time with him.
 
And also, I've been spending more time with my friends (guys and girls). I spend very little time at home. The time I am at home, I'm usually blogging, applying for jobs, or watching movies. So I feel like I don't even have time to sit and pine over PT.
 
Don't get me wrong, I have seen him, just not very often. I saw him last night. I finally figured out what the issue I've been having with him is. I obviously like him, but I always felt like I didn't like him like I thought I should. This may not make sense, but I'll try to explain anyway. When I hug someone I like there's a feeling there. A kind of warm-ness or cuddle-y-ness that makes me happy just to have that person's arms around me. I've never really had that with PT. I took it to mean there just wasn't that feeling and maybe I was more into his resume than him. But last night, I finally felt that feeling. Instead of looking for it, I just hugged him without searching for that feeling. I guess because I didn't have that pressure on myself for once, it happened naturally. That's good to know that I'm not wasting my time on someone I could never fall in love with. I really had a sigh of relief that I could have a depth of feeling for this man beyond basic like.
 
So, in the meantime, I've been occupying my damn time. Either things with PT will improve or I'll run into someone else I like better. We shall see.

Focus on Me Friday: Memorial Day Memories

***If ever one wonders why I feel like my life could be a movie (or better yet a sitcom), it's because stuff keeps happening that seems like it could be written for storyline purposes.***

For Memorial Day, my mother asked me to invite PT to our house for our bbq. He has his daughter with him every weekend, so he brought her too. I was a bit nervous about my parents meeting PT for only the second time and his daughter for the first time. But I went with it.

They arrived and his daughter was in a bad mood. She kept trying to leave our house and was fussing about her toys. My mother gave me a look that expressed a great displeasure. But after a while, his daughter calmed down and was even enjoyable. By the time they left, she had my mother opening boxes of collector's edition Barbie dolls, she had me giving her my entire stash of grapes (we both love grapes, but she doesn't have sharing down just yet), and she was getting away with climbing the furniture.

PT also met three of my friends for the first time, including Bad. I figured and hoped they would get along great and they did. Bad is a pretty rough judge of the guys I've dated, but he really liked PT. In fact, everyone did. I can't even joke about finding a better guy than PT and cutting him loose without my girls who were at the bbq chastising me.

PT had to leave at one point to take his daughter back to her mother's house, but he returned to my parents' house to hang out some more. I finally got my wish of having a four person band playing Rock Band 2. We actually had a lot of fun. It relieved one of my worries about the age difference between PT and I. He can get along with my friends without feeling old or making them feel young.

I have a friend who nicknamed him granddad even though her husband is only one year younger than PT. And Bad and I have hung out with her and her husband and they make us feel like they're old. Don't get me wrong, I love her and her husband, but I really hope at one point in the future PT and I can hang out with them so it can be illustrated that my guy may be older than hers, but he's much younger at heart.

So far, things with PT are going pretty good. Everyone loves him. If only he wasn't so busy all the time, I might actually sit back and enjoy how wonderful he seems to be.

Focus on Me Friday: The Baseball Game Was Such A Success

***If ever one wonders why I feel like my life could be a movie (or better yet a sitcom), it's because stuff keeps happening that seems like it could be written for storyline purposes.***

So, Sunday was such a success. I've been dying to blog about it, but I decided to wait until it was my day on this blog so I'd actually have something to blog about.

PT was late getting to the stadium on Sunday. I thought that might annoy my mother, but luckily it didn't. My father got us not only great game tickets, but passes to the Stadium Club as well. I'm not sure how that translates to other stadiums, but if you've ever had pleasure, you know how nice it is.

The best part about it was PT got to sit and dine with my parents and I and talk without the baseball game interrupting the conversation. They seemed to get along pretty well. He and my father have a very compatible sense of humor and he's very respectful. My parents were both smiling a lot. And the only one of his tattoos that showed was the Alpha Sphinx, so they couldn't be mad at that. My father is an Alpha too.

At the game, PT and my father begin tag teaming and heckling the other team, which was the Florida Marlins. I didn't know whether to fall over laughing because everything they said was so funny or feel embarrassed because everything they said was so loud. Normally it wouldn't matter, but we were soooo close. Literally, they would heckle the guy and he could hear every word. When he turned around, I was like, "oh he has beautiful gray eyes with specks of green in them." Seriously, we were close.

PT starts picking on the one guy who's kind of small compared to the rest of the Florida Marlins. This guy, Cody Ross, also happens to have a great sense of humor. And every time PT said something that made him laugh aloud, he'd go and hit a home run. This Ross guy doubled his home runs so far for the season in this game. By the third inning we were down 7 runs, so PT switched from heckling to begging them to stop doing well.

At one point, he suggested the Marlins take the Sox pitcher out to dinner as thanks for the game. He suggested Morton's. At this point, everyone around us was turning to see who had a comment every five seconds. My nervousness quickly faded when it was apparent they were all laughing. Then a foul ball was hit our way while Ross was waiting to go up to bat. PT called out to him to throw him the ball and he did! PT was sooo excited, like a little kid. Then he turns and there's this little cute blond kid with an over sized jersey on looking up at him like that cat off of Shrek 2. Clearly, he wanted PT to give him the ball. He looks down at the little kid and says, "I'm sorry."

We were all amused and/or appalled. Then PT explained that he'd been going to games since he was that kid's age and this was his first ball, and he would try and get the next one for the kid. Luckily, right then another foul ball came our way and the little kid got it. It was crazy, but also funny. I can excuse such behavior cause I know how PT is about his sports and he's the kind of guy who would pull to the side of the road to help a stranger who had just been in a car accident (I was on the phone with him when he did it before).

By the ninth inning, he had everyone loving Ross. He was talking about putting him on his fantasy baseball team, yelling "you're my boy, Blue!", and having people cheer Ross' double even though it was against the Sox. I told him he was such a turncoat and he was turning our whole section into traitors.

Then the Marlins coach took Ross out to let another guy bat. After all, it was the 9th inning and they were up 13-0. Next thing I know, I was boo-ing very loudly, along with the entire section we were sitting in! Apparently, I'm also a turncoat, lol. But we were upset they took Ross out. It was so hilarious.

PT had all of us wait at the end of the game so he could get Ross to sign his ball and take a picture with him. His smile is so big in the picture, he looks like a little kid.

I know this is Focus on Me Friday, not Focus on PT Friday. But this was such an amazing story. My parents have met many guys of mine over the years, but never had it gone so well. My mother talked the whole way home about how funny, fun, and nice PT was. At the game, my dad even high fived him at one point. I never knew it was possible for them to enjoy someone they knew I was dating that much. So, for me, it was such an amazing time and now the bar has been set really high. If things don't work out with PT, I may never introduce them to someone else until I have a ring on, lol.

Focus on Me Friday: I'm Not Spontaneous, Just A Hedonist

***If ever one wonders why I feel like my life could be a movie (or better yet a sitcom), it's because stuff keeps happening that seems like it could be written for storyline purposes.***

This post is inspired by a post by Wombat. It made me think about how I definitely have some sweep-a-person-off-their-feet tendencies. Sometimes it's on purpose, sometimes it's not.

I don't really consider myself a spontaneous person so much as a go-with-the-flow hedonist. I feel like spontaneous people get bored or restless if things are too planned and that's never me. So, we've established I'm not spontaneous. But for some reason, I spontaneously suggested to PT that I go over his house last night just to give him a massage.

Yes, you read that right. I suggested it. We were talking earlier about his day. It was a mostly good day, but shortly after the end of the actual school day, there was an issue he had to take care of that caused him no small amount of stress. I had just come from a meeting and was feeling pretty wired myself. So when he finally got home at like 10pm, I offered to come give him a massage. Don't know why, the only thing I can think of is my tendency to try and sweep people off their feet.

Seriously, who does crap like this? Certainly no one I know. Of course, PT agreed to let me come over. Cause who's gonna turn that down? So even though I was good and in for the night, I headed over there. I told him I couldn't spend the night because I had to be up at the ass-crack of dawn to take my grandmother to the doctor.

But I decided to just stop kicking myself for texting before thinking and go over there and enjoy his company. We just laid on his bed and talked about our days. I kinda wish I could do that every night. No, I really with I could do that every night. It just feels good to have someone to talk about all that stuff with. I don't know why, but it's different talking to PT than it is talking to friends or family.

And then I gave him a massage. His shoulders were so tense and his neck was really stiff. But about 15 minutes later, he was very relaxed. You could visibly see the difference. That made me very happy just to make him feel better. And then he turned to me and said, "thanks so much for that baby. Now what can I do for you?"

With responses like that, it's no wonder I like being around him. I can tell because of little things. For instance, he likes rubbing my feet. Not in a foot fetish kind of way, but in a they're-attached-to-your-body-and-as-my-hands-roam-they-invariably-land-there-too kind of way. Normally, I recoil from that, but with PT, I just let it happen. When he touches me, it doesn't tickle, it feels good. Always a good sign.

Top Isn't Dating, But She Is "Talking"

I don't know if you are familiar with the phrase "talking", but it refers to two people who have an interest in each other geting to know each other. There is a lot of time spent on the phone, maybe in person as well. It's a step below dating. And when you're "talking" to someone, there's no expectation of exclusivity, nor is there any formal allotment for jealousy for anyone with a higher title. For example, if you're talking to someone, you can be mad if they start talking to someone else, but not mad if they start dating someone else. Or something like that. I prefer to just outright date someone. But whatever.

I mentioned is some previous post how Top has been speaking on the phone to this guy we went to college with. Well, she's starting to kind of like him. I immediately got worried because of two reasons: he's the marrying type, and he lives in a different state.

She's against marriage right now (I hope that changes. She'd make a great wife and mother) and she's also against dating someone long distance. But yet, she likes this guy. And they've been speaking more frequently. But then I had to reming myself that Top isn't like most women. She doens't set some rules for herself and then turn around and break them just because she's found someone who may be worth it.

This guy would have to move to New York if he wanted a real shot at her, and even that might kill his chances. He just finished grad school and is looking to settle down somewhere new. But if he were to try to go to NYC without a good reason to be there besides Top, it would turn her off so fast that he would be left with his head spinning. She's definitely a tough cookie to crack, but that's what makes her awesome. She would never end up with a loser who would try to take advantage of her.

PT Update: He has decided to go to the game with us. Should be interesting... And we haven't heard back from the family friends yet on whether they're coming. If they aren't we'll see about if his daughter will join us.

Why I'm Afraid To Be Out In Public With PT's Daughter

To fully understand this, you must get two stories. 1) The first time I met PT's daughter. 2) How she might end up at the baseball game with us.

1) The first time I met PT's daughter was when I spent the night at his house but was out with friends and so I didn't get to his place until she was asleep. I planned on leaving before she woke up because we hadn't discussed me spending time with the daughter, but she woke up early. She called for PT and he went and got her and then brought her into his bedroom.

She quickly climbed into my lap, started playing with my hair, and called me Mommy. You read that right. A three year old I'd never met called me Mommy. All kinds of questions started going through my head. 1. Does she call everybody mommy? 2. What kind of three year old doesn't know her mother when she sees (or doesn't see) her? 3. Has the mother been in this bed he didn't buy until after the divorce in the house he didn't move into until after we started dating?? 4. Why has time passed and neither he nor I have actually acknowledged that she is calling me Mommy? 5. Should I tell her I'm not her mom? 6. What will her reaction be?

What did I choose to do? I just sat there watching cartoons with her and then took her to the potty and to get some chocolate milk. And then when PT distracted her, I left. It was the strangest situation ever! And after PT telling me later that no I am not his ex-wife's doppelganger, and that the daughter does indeed call women Mommy (still WTF, she's 3!), and no mommy hasn't been in his bed, I decided to just let it go. Since then, I haven't spent a ton of time around his daughter and so I'm a bit nervous that she could call me Mommy in front of my grandkids-thirsty parents and open up a can of worms I'm not yet ready to deal with.

2) I figured it would be my parents, this couple who are close family friends, and then PT and I using the six tickets for the game. My parents have assumed his daughter will be joining us and have already mentally uninvited said family friends (who've been pussy footing about confirming because the game is on a Sunday). I cannot believe that my parents want to use and expensive front row ticket and club pass on a three year old. Don't get me wrong, I would. But I've already bought his daughter DVDs, dolls, and other assorted toys. I'm invested in him and invested in his daughter. My parents don't know either of them. And they like kids a lot, but I've never seen them volunteer to bring a small person out to a ball game before.

Either way, I'm going to hold off on asking PT to bring his daughter to the game until we know for sure that our family friends aren't going to join us. I'd hate to invite her and then have to uninvite her.

PT May Finally Meet My Family

In an effort to yet further avoid explaining how the Ex is like Berger, I'm going to write about PT. If you watched SATC, you know how much Berger sucked for Carrie. And besides, talking about PT, who is still (for the most part) full of potential will make me happy as I try and avoid thinking about my post on my regular blog.

I've been encourage by some folks who read this blog to stick with making my own rules, especially when it comes to PT. On furthe review, it seems I have been doing that, but could do more. The perfect example of this is that PT hasn't met my family yet. Usually, when I begin dating a guy, the first thing I do is have him meet my family. But I've wanted to keep PT all to myself. If I'm honest, I know part of it is because he's not my parents' perfect idea of the type of guy I should be with. He's older, divorced, has a child, etc. But I think it was more about wanting to get to know him. He's the first guy I've dated in a looooong time who I hadn't known for literally years before we started dating.

So how do I choose to finally let them meet? A nice at home dinner? Nope. A dinner out? Nope. Maybe an event somewhere that still allows for that type of environment? Nope. We're going to a baseball game. My family occasionally goes to baseball games. We're sports people and we like hanging out together. PT occasionally goes to baseball games. He likes sports and he likes going places and doing things. Today my parents were bringing up how they still haven't met PT and are wondering about that at the same time they were bringing up the fact that my dad still hasn't found six people to go to this baseball game he got front row tickets and club passes for. So, when I asked if they wanted me to invite PT, they were like, "oh sure, well, you know, we don't mind. I mean if you want to it's totally fine with us. I mean, yeah, why not?" Real subtle folks.

So I picked up my phone to call him, saw that I had missed a call from him (stupid phone on silent!), called him back and of course got the voice mail. I have a very loving, committed relationship with PT's voicemail. So I sent a text with the info and he was all for it, but not sure that he's free since it is a few weeks away. When I speak to him, I need to stress how expensive the tickets are and how judgemental my parents can be which are both good reasons to not cancel on us if he accepts.

Should be interesting. But there are more reasons why it's interesting, which I will drag out into another blog post tomorrow to yet again avoid discussing the Ex!

How My Love Life Is Like Sex and the City, Part 3

So Bad is my Big, Light is my Aidan. I've explained those two. I still have to explain how PT is the Russian and the Ex is Berger. I think I'll go for PT. I need some more time to think about what to say about the Ex because every time I mention him, I feel I sound far to bitter to be claiming relationship-worthy healthiness.

Carrie met the Russian when she wasn't expecting to meet anyone. SIDE NOTE: In that episode, she was seeing a performance art show that still tours around the US and other countries and Top's roommate went through a harrowing ordeal when asked to travel to Canada to be a part of the show. I'll tell that story one day. SIDE NOTE ENDED. I met PT when I wasn't expecting to meet anyone. In fact, he approached me with quite the same swagger the Russian had. And if you replace Carrie's Charlotte with my Bad (as a friend, not as Big), it was a very similar scenario.

The Russian was an older man who showed Carrie romance and treated her nicer than she'd remembered being treated in a while. While PT and I have a much smaller age difference, our age difference is augmented by the fact that we're in such different places in life. But like Carrie, I don't mind because I'm too busy enjoying PT's company.

There are a few differences. First, unlike Carrie, I wouldn't cancel on my girlfriends to stay with my guy, I'd just end a night out with Bad early. Second, PT is so romantic that I'll faint in the street because of it, he's just a little over the top with the PDA and so far, I think I'm dealing rather well with it so far. Also, the Russian didn't want to have children, he was super old. But even though PT has been married and already has a little girl, he wants to be married again one day and continue to grow his family.

Oh the biggest similarity. The Russian did very important work (he was a famous artist) that consumed a very large portion of his life. Carrie got left out quite a bit and tried her very hardest to be understanding. PT is the same way, except it's education not art. Carrie and the Russian eventually broke up because of it. And seeing as how my life isn't like hers exactly and I don't have a Big coming to rescue me from unhappiness with the Russian, I'd like my story with my "Russian" to turn out better, you know?

Women's Rules Of Insecurity

I like to think of myself as a self-aware person who pays attention to who I am as a person. But in writing this blog, I've shined a bigger spotlight on myself and I've noticed some things that seem to be out of the ordinary compared to most women. For instance, I spent the night with PT on Thursday. And I haven't spoken to him since then. I usually don't speak to him a lot on the weekends because he's so busy with his daughter and has finally learned his lesson about keeping his phone out.

Most women have a rule about how much time is supposed to pass between seeing a guy and hearing from him again. By my title, I think you can surmise how I feel about those rules... But even if I did believe those rules, it's so hard to apply them to PT>

He's broken his phone at least 5 times since I met him six months ago, and each time is usually accompanied by some story involving his daughter. The poist is that now, he tries not to keep it so close by because it seems drawn to liquids and sharp corners when she's around. (My theory is that he's the clumsy one, but it's convenient to blame the three year old, lol).

Back to the main point though. I haven't spoken to PT outside of texting since Thursday and I'm not bothered by it. If another three days pass and I dont actually converse with him, I may get upset, but for now I'm good. And aren't women supposed to be upset if a man doesn't call the next day after a date? Or isn't there some sort of three day rule? I don't know these things. I used to have friends who acted like typical women, but I got rid of them. I don't like emotional drama in high quantities. But shouldn't there be some sort of insecurity or something popping up?

Perhaps it's because we're not some official couple with demands and responsibilities. Or perhaps it's because the last time I saw him, he confirmed that he had indeed promised me the world. Or perhaps it's because I'm just so cool and calm that things don't faze me.

I think it's pretty clear it's not the third one, lol. Probably it's the first, but who can know for sure until one's over-analyzed it until it's almost lost all meaning?

Bad & Jordan Update: She came in this weekend so see their apartment. I don't know if she likes it or loves it or has picked a definite move in date. I don't know this because I haven't heard from him all weekend. Bad is not a neglectful friend, so I imagine they're christening every inch of the apartment and she's helping start the decoration process. I"m glad I haven't heard from him. That has to mean things are going very well. Should be a good story coming soon!

He Promised Me The World

That really happened. It sounded like a line right out of the most stereotypical romantic comedy. It was sweet and funny and very much fit who PT and I are together. He said, "even though they're taking forever making our pizza, at least we're out, in the world. I did promise you the world. And here we at, at Beggars." I wish I had been more outside my head because I would've responded something like, "The world, huh? Well, this is a start, I happen to love pizza." But instead, I started laughing and said, "that sounds like a line right out of the cheesiest romanic comedy!"

I don't know if PT knows me well enough to know that that was more of an ironic compliment than anything else. I love romantic comedies. That moment in He's Just Not That Into You were Justin Long tells Ginnifer Goodwin, "You are my exception" always makes me melt. But PT probably thought I was making fun of him. I wasn't though, not like the night before last when he produced the world's worst British accent. Seriously, it was bad. If it sounded like anything, it sounded Scottish. Just awful stuff.

But basically, last night went very well. PT filled his craving for PDA. He practically put his hands down my pants in the middle of the restaurant. While I'm not for all the hand holding and making out in public, it was hot. He did a lot of talking about how brave he thought I was being with the whole med school withdrawal thing. He brought up marriage (more specifically weddings) which kind of surprised me. I would think a guy who hasn't even been divorced for three Christmases would not be in a rush to talk about such things. But in his defense, it was mostly in a general way that he was discussing it.

There is just an ease between us that I love. I like talking to him about his day and mine. I love talking to him about sports, current events, our families, our individual plans for the future, etc. He makes me laugh and he makes me think, and he so sexy. Such a lovely combination. If only this feeling could last. But probably this time next week, I'll be lamenting how busy he is.

For now, I'll just enjoy the wonderful feeling of a night out with a man who I'm quite taken with.

If Only I Could Be As Understanding As I Try To Appear...

...then maybe I wouldn't be stressing about today. PT has work, then he's going to look for places (he's moving again). And then after that, we're supposed to go out. I have this fear that something will come up and he wil cancel on me and I'll feel like a fool for staying in Chicago for another day. And I feel bad for those who read my blog because now you're subject to these worries as well. Sorry.

I'll update this post later if when we go out. I need to re-read my previous posts so I can remember that feeling of not wanting to put all my eggs in one basket. Should that feeling really be taken back just because we had one good evening together? My logic says no. But the rest of me...

UPDATE: We actually did go out and had a very nice time. I didn't even get back to my parents house until about two hours ago. I will write today's post about it.

I Think I'm A Romantic Pushover

I called PT while I was driving from my grandmother's house back to my parents house. I was headed there to pack up my things to head back to Rockford. After not seeing PT at all the entire time I was in Chicago, I figured I could at least call one last time to tell him I was leaving. And also possibly, "You suck" and "I'm not doing this anymore".

He actually answered the phone, which surprised me. I didn't expect it. He's just always so busy, I was prepared to get a text sometime after I got back to Rockford saying how he was sad he missed me while in town and he'd try and see me next time. But he answers, "Hey baby! How are you! It's so loud in here, can you hear me?" He was at a Cinco de Mayo celebration with his co-workers and had just gotten a replacement phone. The man goes through a lot of cell phones. Occupational hazard of constantly being around a three year old I guess.

So he proceeds to convince me to come see him before I head back to Rockford. I agree because after all, I really do want to see him. On my drive to his house (once he left the celebration), I was going over in my head how I would explain to him that we/us/whatever describes PT and me wasn't working for me and we had to change the current situation in one way or another. But I get to his house and I say nothing except, "how was your day?"

I was upset with my constant need to be this understanding person who never asks more from a person than they can give. I do understand that he's sooo busy, but that doesn't change how much it sucks for me. I figured that after we settled into watching the Spurs-Suns game and caught up on enjoying each other's company then I'd bring it up. I was berating myself for being such a punk.

Then PT suggested we hang out tomorrow. He asked me to stay another day before going back to Rockford. He suggested we go out to dinner. He said he felt like since Christmas we were always rushed when spending time together because there was always something going on or coming up soon that required one of our attention (mostly him). He said he felt bad because he knew it was mostly his fault and I deserved better. He said he appreciated how understanding I've been and noted that most women wouldn't do so and how much it meant to him that I wasn't trying to guilt trip him about things. He said that he knew he was going to stay a busy person but he would do a better job of making the most of the free time he did have.

I sat there just in a daze. It was very much like a movie where the guy says everything you want to hear. I was smiling so big in spite of myself. There was a part of me that still remembered how frustrated I've been the last couple of months weeks. But how could I stay mad in the face of that full blown apology/responsibility acceptance? I know things won't magically be better tomorrow, but this will be the first time we've seen each other two days in a row.

I did notice something else that has me worried. Ever since the ordeal with the Ex, I've been purposely taking things slow emotionally. Not in terms of letting myself like a person, but letting myself have that feeling of intimacy and passion towards a person that just makes you want to be in their space breathing in their scent (I don't know if that makes sense). But when PT hugged and kissed me before I left his house tonight, for the first time I actually tried to let go and just enjoy the feel of being in his arms without overthinking it. I was feeling that feeling of being into someone without self-control holding parts back for about three seconds before I freaked out and pulled back. Apparently the ordeal with the Ex affected me more than I thought. I'm kind of terrified of letting myself have that interaction with someone again, even someone as great as PT. I just hope that's more about my uncertainty of my future with PT than a generalized anxiety and woundedness. Cause having that kind of emotional baggage would really suck.

How My Love Life Is Like Sex and the City, Part 1

So, most of my friends and I refer to the men in my life as various men in Carrie's life from Sex and the City. I'll explain how my life fits (and how it doesn't) in a series of posts. So here are the main players:

Carrie: me (duh, lol)
Big: Bad
Aidan: Light
The Russian: PT
Berger: the Ex

There are also some really close comparisons with some of the smaller, less important men over the years the show has run, but they don't much warrant a mission.

So, let's start with how Bad is my Big. We basically shared a passion for passion. We enjoyed each other's company, but when I decided I wanted more, he couldn't give me what I wanted. Then we decided we should be friends right around the time he got a Natasha. Natasha is one of his exes. He was so serious about this girl. She was his first real grown up relationship.

So now, Bad and I are just friends; he's one of my best friends. But there is a divergence here. He's no longer with Natasha, now he's with Jordan. And when he had his moment of thinking maybe we should have another try, I said no. I'm so glad I did because it preserved our friendship and I truly think he would've picked Jordan anyway in the end, leaving my ass hanging out to dry.

So we have this situation where I'm invested in him as a friend and don't want anything more. He's so in love with Jordan and is invested in me as a friend and doesn't want anything more. So the Carrie-and-Big-ending-up-together thing isn't in my future. We stopped where Carrie and Big were friends and before the cheating started. By the way, I always thought Carrie and Big were such selfish assholes for sneaking around like that. Who cares if you love the people you're hurting?! Quit being greedy and pick one person!

But anyways, in Part 2, I'll explain how Light is my Aidan.

All My Eggs In One Basket, No More!

Since I've decided not to put all my eggs in the PT basket, I need to figure out what else I should be doing. I figure I can multi-task at the job fair tomorrow and see if I can meet and interesting guy while meeting an interesting job offer.

I think it could be fun to do something like speed dating too. But I'm honestly not in a position to meet guys. I get hit on a lot when I'm out, but I mean actually meeting someone worthwhile in a situation where we can appraise each other for real potential. I met PT at a party neither of us was supposed to be at. I met the Ex when I was 11 and we kept popping up in each other's lives til we started dating. Light was in my group of friends and pursued me until I agreed to date him. Adam was a friend-turned-lover. I just don't know how to meet men that aren't accidentally placed there by fate or timing or whatever.

So, I need some suggestions on what I can do. I'm not completely comfortable with internet dating sites. I tried that for like three weeks, but I found myself leaning towards the same prejudice I have when I meet a guy at a dance club. I need a better situation in which to start and acquaintance-ship (I make up words, forgive me).

I really want someone to share my life with. And I don't mean plotting on the next 60 years with someone before I even have a person in mind. I just mean I want someone who's there to try a new restaurant with me or go see a movie or sit on the beach and talk about books we've read. The moments in my life that I have, I'd like to have those moments with someone, you know?

PT Wants Me To Talk About My Feelings

Last night, when I was still upset that my father called me a dropout (there's a small rant about that in today's post on my other blog), I texted PT to tell him. My text basically said

My dad just called me a dropout. That just happened.

I didn't actually expect a response. He's always so busy, and Friday evenings is when he goes to pick up his daughter for the weekend. I figured he'd get back to me sometime Sunday afternoon. But he responded almost immediately, telling me that my dad is hurting. I responded back asking if that was supposed to be some sort of justification. He responded that it wasn't a justification, just a possible explanation. I can understand that. That's something I appreciate about PT, which is why I told him what happened.

But then he asked if I needed face time to discuss further what happened. Then I really wondered what I had done to give him the impression that I needed a more in depth emotional discussion. When I get emotional about things, it's cause I've just seen an awesome pair of shoes or it's the big ending to a rom-com, lol. I don't do emotional heart to hearts about hurt feelings!

And, I was partly irritated at PT because he's so busy. We were supposed to go out Thursday, but a late work dinner meeting thing ran super long. Then on Friday morning, he asked was I free Sunday evening. I hate the idea of being in the same city for a weekend and not seeing the person I'm seeing. What the fuck is that about? And I can't do Sunday evening, I need to be well-rested for the job fair on Monday. That's my first foray into the workin world and I need it to go well. What we should do is dinner Monday night, but he'll probably be too busy to do that, so I didn't even bother to suggest it. All of this led me to a conclusion:

Listening to my heart sucks! I like PT, a lot, so I felt justified in listening to my heart. I'm not pushing for some serious exclusive relationship hurtling towards marriage at a fast pace. I just don't want to feel like last on his list. I've been in that situation before and I have no desire to repeat it. So, I am planning on ignoring the part of me that wants only him and force myself to be more available to advances from new people. If I actually give someone an actual chance, maybe I'll find someone who wants what I want, and is able to do/be that now. This doesn't mean I'm walking away from PT, it just means that I'm no longer putting all my eggs in one basket. If he gets it together before I find someone else worthwhile, great. If not, oh well for him. He can just move on to unavoidably neglecting someone else.

Update on Top: so she's still in the full swing of not dating, but she's been talking on the phone to this guy that went to college with us. He's in a different state doing grad school. He's been telling her about how he was interested in her in college and stuff like that. She seems interested, but is keeping him at a distance because he's a southern boy and has already admitted to being the marrying type, and we all know Top is anti-marriage right now.

I'm Really Very Worried About The Similarities Between PT And The Ex

They have many things in common: They are both Virgos, they both give me the feeling that I can be completely honest with them, I have amazing physical chemistry with both men, neither of them seems to have a jealous bone in his body, and they both carry on ridiculously busy lives!

They have some wonderful things different as well. PT is not pursuing a rap career. PT is not subconsciously afraid of marriage. PT doesn't seem to want to fit me into a box of how he thinks I should be. PT doesn't make me feel bad about my shortcomings. PT doesn't make fun of things I shouldn't be sensitive about, but kinda am. The Ex was all those things.

But that main one: being sooooo busy, just keeps getting to me. I've mentioned it a couple times, in this blog and my main one. It's just that I'm visiting Chicago this weekend. I, of course, want to spend some time with PT. But he's always so busy with work and weekends are his time with his daughter. He said maybe we could go out Friday, but I don't want to do that because that means he would hold off getting his daughter until Saturday. I figured it would just be easier for me to come in the city on Thursday. But we'll see what happens.

I just hate feeling stressed about this. I hate that he's so busy, but I love what he's doing with his life. And I dread that as time approaches towards me moving back to the city, it'll become painfully aware that not much will change even with me being in the same city.

A Funny Mix-Up

I finally came out of my phone-avoiding funk, and I was talking to my mother tonight about many things. One of them was PT. She remembered that I told her he looked like LL Cool J. I did no such thing!

He doesn't look like LL Cool J. He does have a handsome face, a great body, a lovely smile, sexy lips, and a smooth swagger I can't get enough of, but he doesn't look like him. PT looks like a light-skinned version of his father (which bodes well for the future, his dad is good-looking ).

I laughed so hard and corrected my mother. She hasn't met PT yet and it would've been horrible if she went in with the assumption that PT looked like LL Cool J. My mother is known (mostly by my close friends and me) for being no holds barred when it comes to the looks of the guys I've brought home over the years.

While I believe she would find PT attractive, I don't think she would feel he looked like LL Cool J. Let's just say Crisis Averted!