I Think I'm A Romantic Pushover

I called PT while I was driving from my grandmother's house back to my parents house. I was headed there to pack up my things to head back to Rockford. After not seeing PT at all the entire time I was in Chicago, I figured I could at least call one last time to tell him I was leaving. And also possibly, "You suck" and "I'm not doing this anymore".

He actually answered the phone, which surprised me. I didn't expect it. He's just always so busy, I was prepared to get a text sometime after I got back to Rockford saying how he was sad he missed me while in town and he'd try and see me next time. But he answers, "Hey baby! How are you! It's so loud in here, can you hear me?" He was at a Cinco de Mayo celebration with his co-workers and had just gotten a replacement phone. The man goes through a lot of cell phones. Occupational hazard of constantly being around a three year old I guess.

So he proceeds to convince me to come see him before I head back to Rockford. I agree because after all, I really do want to see him. On my drive to his house (once he left the celebration), I was going over in my head how I would explain to him that we/us/whatever describes PT and me wasn't working for me and we had to change the current situation in one way or another. But I get to his house and I say nothing except, "how was your day?"

I was upset with my constant need to be this understanding person who never asks more from a person than they can give. I do understand that he's sooo busy, but that doesn't change how much it sucks for me. I figured that after we settled into watching the Spurs-Suns game and caught up on enjoying each other's company then I'd bring it up. I was berating myself for being such a punk.

Then PT suggested we hang out tomorrow. He asked me to stay another day before going back to Rockford. He suggested we go out to dinner. He said he felt like since Christmas we were always rushed when spending time together because there was always something going on or coming up soon that required one of our attention (mostly him). He said he felt bad because he knew it was mostly his fault and I deserved better. He said he appreciated how understanding I've been and noted that most women wouldn't do so and how much it meant to him that I wasn't trying to guilt trip him about things. He said that he knew he was going to stay a busy person but he would do a better job of making the most of the free time he did have.

I sat there just in a daze. It was very much like a movie where the guy says everything you want to hear. I was smiling so big in spite of myself. There was a part of me that still remembered how frustrated I've been the last couple of months weeks. But how could I stay mad in the face of that full blown apology/responsibility acceptance? I know things won't magically be better tomorrow, but this will be the first time we've seen each other two days in a row.

I did notice something else that has me worried. Ever since the ordeal with the Ex, I've been purposely taking things slow emotionally. Not in terms of letting myself like a person, but letting myself have that feeling of intimacy and passion towards a person that just makes you want to be in their space breathing in their scent (I don't know if that makes sense). But when PT hugged and kissed me before I left his house tonight, for the first time I actually tried to let go and just enjoy the feel of being in his arms without overthinking it. I was feeling that feeling of being into someone without self-control holding parts back for about three seconds before I freaked out and pulled back. Apparently the ordeal with the Ex affected me more than I thought. I'm kind of terrified of letting myself have that interaction with someone again, even someone as great as PT. I just hope that's more about my uncertainty of my future with PT than a generalized anxiety and woundedness. Cause having that kind of emotional baggage would really suck.